Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Installing the House Spigot

So today, or well yesterday by the time you read this, we installed a spigot in front of our second mobile home. Which I have only been meaning to do, for oh, over half a year now. See in order to have the septic for the house put in we need a source of water. Previously, we cut the line going into the trailer and removed the water pump. So now we had to install an outside spigot. Oh and septic permits are only good for one year because ha, ha, ha, who doesn't love a ticking clock?

I mean it's not like a hear the ticking of that terrible clock even in my sleep. You know, this is totally like the tale tell heart, except with septic systems instead of murder. And of course they would be passing a new law in 2014 that would super fuck us and make this the only year we can do this shit.

Because life is a bitch like that.

Anyway I woke up this morning and thought- for whatever reason- today is the day motherfuckers. So I drug my ass out of bed, fed the ungrateful hungry mouths, corralled the animals that needed medication, started the laundry, ate some food and then got my ass out the door.

First off was the exciting adventure of we didn't actually know where the fucking water line was. Oh don't get me wrong. We knew where it dead ended under the mobile home. We knew where it started at the holding tank. What we did not know was the route they used to get it there. Or how deep it was.

You know, the little things.

So at first we used the backhoe to gently dig out the top layer of soil with all that motherfucking grass on it. Because grass sucks to dig through. Like really, really sucks. Like super sucks. Of course when we did that we were then struck by the wide swath of dirt that may or may contain a water line. So then we started digging. And we didn't find anything. So we made the hole bigger with the backhoe. Which was not only the joy of having a bigger area to dig, but also undoing all of my former progress. Did I mention this entire thing had to be dug and installed in one day to prevent ground water from filling the hole and fucking us?

This whole thing had to be done in one day.

And then Scott got too hot and had to stop working so the second attempt was mostly me. Which involved me going inside the house drinking caffeinated tea like it was the nectar of life and then throwing myself back outside at the cold uncaring world that brought me to this point.

Which was when I discovered the pipe. Which is also when we discovered that none of the adapters we bought would fit that pipe because it was bigger then we thought. Which was when Scott went to town to buy more fittings and I dug out the entire area around the pipe in the shit clay soil that seemed to be, like, 90% rocks and sadness.

 This. I did this.


So then Scott got back and made some sort of crazy super adapter monstrosity and then we got the spigot and all the tools we would need and a sawzall and then we trooped over to the hole. Now, we figured, due to the length of the super adapter, that we would have to cut the pipe twice. Once at the far end and then again where we wanted to attach the damn thing.

What we did not expect was that, when we started cutting into the line, for the water to come blasting out of the pipe like a goddamned fire hose. Since you know, there is no incline or well pump on this, it just comes down from our holding tank with gravity.

And let me tell you gravity was really, Really, REALLY strong that day.

So we freak the fuck out because that magnificent hole I dug is filling up with water and if the end of the pipe goes underwater we are super fucked and not just regular fucked. Because at that point we would have no choice but to let it run until, we ah, ran out of water I guess. It would have been bad is what I am saying.

Of course we still have to make the second cut and Scott wastes no time slapping the sawzall down on the next part of the line but the water is still coming out super shitballs and at one point Scott was yelling at the saw and water was starting to come up over the blade and then the piece finally came loose and then I held the top end of the spigot pipe but couldn't line it up just right. Or at least not without doing that thing where you try to hold the top of the pipe with one hand and the bottom with your other hand and then you become too focused on the bottom and then the top ends up all crooked and then everyone yells at you that you weren't paying attention clearly, even though you were and it's just that this really takes two people. Dammit.

So then Scott had to dive in the hole and line it up even as water starts to spew and fly everywhere and then he dropped the mallet into the water and then he missed twice and then I thought we really were fucked and then he got it lined up and pounded in and water cut off as though by magic and then we realized that we both had been yelling and that we were both really, really wet. Then we had to get a bucket and bail the water out and then we filled the bottom of the hole with gravel and sand.

Then all we had to do was fill the hole back in.

Ha ha that was fun!

Kill me.

So anyway we got that done and we went inside where we had the ceremonial wiping that chore off the white board and we ate food and then I only got half of this written before I said fuck it and when to bed at super ridiculous early.

Because digging all day? Turns out that is hard as fuck.

I mean, I know right?

So now I think I am going to drink tea and get the cat off my lap and try to convince myself to do it all again today.


  1. I know all too well about having to repair a water line while it's trying to drown you like a rat. We have valves at the point of origin of all of our water lines to prevent this from happening except for one. That's the only one that ever seems to need any repairs on!

    Also, good job on the hole! I found it interesting at the depth of the waterline as all of ours have to be at least 8 feet below grade to avoid the frost in the winter. Because winter sucks!

    1. Three to four feet down is what is normal in our area. Granted I would like to bury the line for the house as deep as possible, but be my luck then I would have to dig it up for some reason. :)

  2. Well don't I feel like a f***ing slacker. I didn't dig a single hole yesterday.

  3. We recently had an insanely expensive plumbing craptastrophe at our place and I just kept thinking, "Holly would do this shit herself." I, however, am just not that cool.

    1. I tend not to think of it as "cool" so much as "cheap." :)