Ingredients:
1.Chocolate baking squares and only
one square of the chocolate you are supposed to dip fruit in
because it's that microwaveable kind that won't burn but you don't
have any more because you are lazy.
2. Strawberries.
You Will Need:
1. A plate. No two plates.
2. Something to melt the chocolate in.
I used a glass measuring cup. Must be microwave safe.
3. A fork.
Step 1: Take your chocolate and put it
in the measuring cup. Just eyeball the amount you will need because
measuring things is for suckers. Get your significant other, roommate
or friend to heat up and stir the chocolate for you because every
time you have done it, the chocolate burned in the microwave and the
house smelled like ass for most of the day.
Step 2: Spear your strawberries on your
fork and dip them in the chocolate, trying to get that cool artful
look to your food. Have strawberry slide off fork and become mired in
the chocolate. Call it a whore. Pretend you are establishing
dominance over the strawberry. Pull out something that looks like a
dog turd with leaves sticking out of it. Place carefully onto plate.
Step 3: Find a giant lump of unmelted
chocolate. Try to work around it. Try to get the hang of dipping.
Give up on using fork, use fingers instead. Get chocolate all over
fingers and every other utensil you are using. Find out that look of
strawberries does not improve despite new method. Go back to using
the fork. Lose another strawberry to the chocolate. Call the
chocolate a bastard. Pretend you are establishing dominance over the
chocolate.
Step 4: Realize that you failed to put
down wax paper and now you have just glued a bunch of strawberries to
the plate. Realize you don't own any wax paper. Eat chocolate off
fingers. Feel better about self.
Step 5: Drop a strawberry onto the
counter and or cutting board. Try to catch it. Fail miserably. Get
chocolate on shirt. Try to suck it off. Realize that sounds dirty.
Get out second plate because there are way more strawberries in this
damn box then you thought. Get chocolate all over the cabinet in the
process.
Step 6: Reheat chocolate to get rid of
the solid unheated lump. Dip rest of strawberries with fingers you
haven't washed because fuck it. Find out the hard way that chocolate
just out of the microwave is hot as shit. Dance around the kitchen
like a loony. Run fingers under a cold tap.
Step 7: Eat the last fucking
strawberry. Realize that you have made too much chocolate. Way too
much. Start to look for things to dip into it. Tell yourself that you
are saving the earth by not throwing it away. Dip cookies in melted
chocolate. Have a moment of pure sweet bliss.
Step 8: Run out of cookies. Start
eating chocolate off your finger. Be unable to get all the way to the
bottom of the cup with above method. Throw dignity to the winds and
stick your whole hand in the damn measuring cup. Lick chocolate off
fingers.
Step 9: Look up to realize that
significant other/roommate/friend is watching. Come to conclusion
that you have chocolate all over you. Especially your face. Tell them
that they do not get to judge you. Watch them judge you. Eat rest of
chocolate anyway.
Step 10: Find space in refrigerator for
both plates of chocolates. Drop cheese on your own foot. Shove all
the condiments into the door and then wedge it shut. Debate throwing
out all that healthy food you bought to get the second plate in. Feel
kinda bad about direction life has taken you. Eat another strawberry.
Have chocolate flake off and fall on the floor. Prevent dog from
eating fallen chocolate.
Step 11: Wait for chocolate to cool
completely and make decision these are too ugly to be shared. Enjoy.
