My Kitchen Might Explode.

So my kitchen might explode because the stove has been leaking gas. And we had been ignoring it. Why? Why do I freak out when I leave battery chargers plugged in over night because the manual said that might cause fire and then pretend I don't notice a gas leak? I have no fucking idea. Presumably because I'm an idiot.

We finally broke down and admitted there was a problem when it took two hours to make dinner last night because the oven is only working on one side.

At this point we did what any self respecting couple would do. Argued about which specific part on the stove was broken. (Hint: it's not the part that would be easy to get to.) The other thing we discovered was that the part can only be bought at a dealership by a certified technician. Presumably because Whirlpool is a goddamned dick. Or maybe they don't want your average cheap ass moron to blow themselves up trying to fix their stoves. They would much rather the average cheap ass moron make a crater the size of a semi by trying to fabricate the part in their garage and installing it with drywall screws. Both scenarios end in death, but if you look closely, only one ends with it being Whirlpools fault.

So we called a repairman.

Oh, I'm sorry, I should say we tried to call a repairman. But he didn't pick up his phone. And their was no answering machine. And all the other repair places are rather far away.

I think we are going to die.

Now I don't have a working stove anymore and I am suddenly back at collage when I cooked all of my food using the microwave. Right. So apparently I am team microwave now.

Okay so maybe we were nursing that stove along anyway. Maybe it had an annoying habit of filling the room with gas because it was too easy to bump the knobs on the front to SUPER ON. And maybe you had to light the burners by hand because the whatever-the-fuck-part was broken. And maybe it was too old to have like, you know, a timer or anything on it. And maybe it's time to buy a new stove.

Motherfuckers.

Looks like it's baked potatoes from the microwave tonight! Aannndd every other night for now into the foreseeable future.

Fuck.

Chirstmas And Other Assorted Fun Things.

So, I managed to get sick the week before Christmas. The sort of terrible energy draining sickness that left me laying on the bed face down for awhile. I should also point out that if Scott hadn't been wonderful and wrapped the presents that my family would have gotten their gifts wrapped in festive plastic bags.

Since I'm on antibiotics, I also have the nausea and loss of appetite that goes with that. I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm going to say it's probably the worst Christmas ever. Here's why.

1. BOTH of Scott's laptops were attacked by viruses. Both times all his programs were wiped clean off. Every. Single. One.  

2. Two days before Christmas my outdoor cat emoticon shows up with her face covered in blood and hole in her check that she got somehow. I have no idea how these things keep happening. No vets are open Christmas weekend.*

3. I have never had a migraine, until Friday, when I've had one everyday since then.

4. This is the first Christmas without my father.

5. Scott's medication is once again giving him problems.


 So all in all not one of my better Christmases. I like seeing my family and all, but I could really take or leave Christmas. I don't even have a tree. I'm not sure I even want a tree. Maybe I can just put Christmas lights on the upright base next year and call it even.


* Okay I know there is an emergency clinic in town but I'll be damned if I am paying emergency Christmas time money for a cat that can't go a whole week without injuring herself somehow.


 

The Door Mystery

So, apparently, Scott forgot to shut the door last night. He had been outside petting our out door kitty, Emoticon, and must not have shut the door all the way when he came back in. So some point around 3am, I wake up to a horrible crashing sound, followed by the sound of two cats screaming at each other. Now this is not an unusual sound, as my outdoor cats tend to get if fights with each other over the food dish or the best sleeping spots. It's just that this time, the sound seemed to be coming from inside the house.

I jumped up, and headed into he living room, where I saw that every rug had been over turned. The next thing I noticed was that my indoor cats food dish had been chipped along one side, and was laying off the place mat on the floor. I immediately heading out onto the porch, not knowing what to expect.

There in front of me, was my indoor cat, Dianna. Her tail was extremely bushy and she looked absolutely startled to see me, and there by the door, glaring back at me, was Emoticon. It was then that I noticed the door was ajar, not enough for Emoticon to get back out, but enough to have let her in.

Now the thing you have to understand about Emoticon is she can only see out of one eye. Somehow she sustained a puncture wound to her right eye, and it is now mostly scar tissue. The vet had given us eye drops, but it had been very hard to give them to her on any sort of constant basis. It still makes me sad that this had to happen to her, but she stills seems to hunt just fine, and is otherwise a healthy happy cat.

However, only being able to see out of one eye means, that when she is persevered to be under attack, she starts yowling and flailing and clawing wildly. It's kinda funny to see, unless your seeing it happening at 3 am in on your porch. She stopped when she saw me, and turned. I moved towards her, intent upon opening the door, when she must have decided she had had enough of this, and manged to open it herself and flee into the night.

Dianna and I looked at each other for a long minute before she carefully sat down and started grooming the fuzziness back out of her tail. After making sure the door the fully shut this time, I picked up pieces and moved the dish up to the counter. I went back to bed, where neither my husband, or the dog had moved.

Thank god it wasn't murderers,or something. I could have died.

Way to back me up there guys.

Assholes.

A Mousetrap, My Dog and Why TV sucks.

Sooo, my dog got her tongue caught in a mousetrap today.

It was not her proudest moment. 

We were visiting Scott's parents, who I might add are wonderful friendly people who don't mind watching our dog when the need arises. Somehow, my clueless doggy found a mousetrap they didn't even know they had out in the basement, and wham! 

Now she's not eating. 

Yeah, I don't really know what to say now. I'm tired, as I spent, oh let me think, 6 hours in the car today. I sort of drifted from activity to activity this evening, unsure what to do with myself. 

I kinda wanted to put in a movie, but I suck at watching movies. I can never decide on one, so I just end up watching the first ten minutes of a few films before giving up entirely and just mindlessly surfing the Internet. This is where TV would come in handy, except, I don't have TV, and I'm developing the same problem with the TV, in that all the shows suck and can't hold my attention.  

Let me explain it this way, every time I get put in a hotel for work on a business trip I flip on the 'ol TV and am confronted by, basically the same 7 shows: 

Daniel Tosh- where he talks about the internet on TV which I think is creating some sort of wormhole of stupidity. 

A stand up comic special I remember from 4 years ago when I had cable. 

The same 15 stations that do nothing but show either news or sports. 

A reality show. (These are like getting a root canal if your tooth was somehow located in your eyeball) 

Ice road truckers: or as I know it, Watching people drive: the anthology. This is gripping entertainment here people. 

Animal Cops: This show makes me both sad and bored. 

Modern Marvels: you will never eat or use any of these products again if you knew how they were made. 

That's it. Now obviously I'm not watching the tube in the middle of day, but that's my point. I am watching cable during the hours that most people in this time zone are watching cable and there is nothing new on. Isn't this bad? 

I swear to god, every time I get back to my room late at night and want to watch something funny the only thing on is Daniel Tosh's show. Why? Why does this show even exist? I can watch funny internet videos, on- oh I don't know - the internet. Anytime I want. I can even- get this- go to sites where I can have the videos mocked and made fun of for free, whenever. Amazing. 

I think I hate him now.