After recovering from the previous
evening of getting trashed and yelling at the movie Thor, plus the
countless drunken reenactions
of said movie, we drug ourselves back out to the car with the same
motivation and energy as Frodo crawling up mount doom.
Except this time I can't get Sam to
carry me.
While waiting for our parts to show
from within the ancient and tumultuous world of the Fedex truck, we
decided to replace one of our motor mounts. Which went about as well
as anything else we have done recently.
Meaning that we had to use the angle
grinder to remove a bolt because apparently when they built my car
they used grade F bolts. Ha ha. Luckily we had already anticipated
this move and bought a replacement bolt, because when life just keeps
raining shit on you, you learn to buy an umbrella.
I'm still a little bitter.
So we fight the motor mount out and
fight the new one in, and then we give each other the saddest slowest
most painful high fives while sarcastically saying go team with dead
sounding voices and then I went in to eat a goddamned sandwich.
Which is of course when our new sway
control bar links Patrick
Swayze bars would arrive. Because sitting down and eating is
for losers. So we rip open the package and discover that the bars did
not come with nuts like the pictures would have us believe.
Remember the old nuts? The old nuts
that we sawed off? The nuts that are laying in three and four pieces
in a coffee can in the shed? Those nuts.
What followed was the saddest montage
ever, where we went to sheds and got every bin, coffee can, peanut
butter jar, and plastic organizer of bolts and nuts and dumped them
all out on the kitchen table and proceeded to go through them.*
None of them fit. Not a goddamned one.
We also noticed at this juncture of
despair and anger, that these parts looked suspiciously like not the
right part. But, we knew these were the generic part, made to fit
several different cars so we armed ourselves with the part and some
nuts that almost but not quite threaded and marched on up to the car.
We pulled the tire off, assembled our
tools, and realized that these were not just the wrong part, that
these were totally super not the right part in the history of ever.
For one thing, they were about three inches too short. For another,
the bolts were not even facing the right way.
At this point I had to talk Scott out
of fashioning a working Patrick Swayze bars out of the parts we had.
Citing such compelling arguments, as in, it won't work, it's not
safe, no really this will not work, and it's getting dark.
So Scott left to call the place we
ordered them from. It turns out that they were the right part.
They were just the right part for a
MERCEDES.
Which is so far from what my car is,
you can't even see it from here. Needless to say they are giving us
our money back, because if they didn't I think I would have to get on
a plane to whereeverthefuck and murder them in person.
Anyway.
We called every auto parts store ever
and found one that had the part. Which we would have picked up that
evening except our truck, aka the only fucking vehicle we own that
runs, has no headlights to speak of.
Which means that we will be going to
the auto parts store bright and early to pick up the bars, and the
motherfucking nuts, drive home and finally repair the damn car.
So if anyone needs me, I think I'll be
drinking while cursing the cold uncaring universe that drove me to
this point.
Pray for me.
Pray for us all.
*I cleaned it afterward, stop looking
at me like that. Although that sandwich was damn gritty.
