ME: So I have to go to this town, and find this dude. Got it.
*Gets to town. Runs into head thief guy.*
HEAD THIEF GUY: So you look like you did not earn your wealth honestly.
ME: Well, if you don't count going on endless dungeon crawls and fighting zombies and sometimes wizard zombies, then yes.
MY CHARACTER: How can you tell that?
THIEF GUY: How you walk, how you move, the way you watch people. You fooled my little shakedown at the gate.
ME: I set him on fire.
MY CHARACTER: Right, look I am looking for an old man.
ME: Yeah, cause there isn't any old men in this city at all ever. Except the one I am looking for.
THIEF GUY: Information without payment? I don't think so. Look, you help me I'll help you.
MY CHARACTER: What do you have in mind?
THIEF GUY: Alright first off I will create a distraction, then you will steal the ring under (some nord ass name I can't pronounce's) desk. Then you will sneak the ring into (some other dudes) pocket.
ME: Um no. I will put this game down right now if I have to do this. Remember that time I had to sneak into that embassy and steal those plans? And then I just panicked and killed everyone in the entire place because I have no points in my sneak skill? I am covered in armor. My body guard is covered in armor. We sound like two metal elephants having sex in the back of a car every time we move. I am not going on this mission.
*Checks quest log*
ME: Alright let's get off this quest, here we go, find the dude, the next step is FUCK. Talk to thief guy. FUCK!
THIEF GUY: You are trying my patience. If you help in this I reward you with wealth.
MY CHARACTER: No, I am not interested.
THIEF GUY: You are wasting a golden opportunity.
ME: Oh my god I am being hustled by a viking! I am not your whore. The armor I am wearing is worth more then anything you will own ever. Why is there no dialog option 'I am not good at this shit, I will fuck it up, but I don't give a shit what you do good luck with that.'
THIEF GUY: Great rewards.
ME: Fuck this, we are going to the bar.
*Walks into bar, there is a guy standing in the center yelling about the sin of drinking.*
ME: Oh what the fuck.
MY CHARACTER: Hello.
PRIEST DUDE: Hello have you heard the word of (Some dumbass deity?)
MY CHARACTER: No, why don't you tell me about her?
PREIST DUDE: She is the god of love. If you buy this amulet from me, I'll merry you in her temple.
ME: Oh fuck no. Is everybody in this town trying to hustle me. Do I look like a dumb ass tourist to you? My left hand is continuously on fire. What part of that screams 'sell me shit?'
*Breaks off conversation with priest goes to talk to bartender.*
MY CHARACTER: I'm looking for this older man who is staying somewhere in this town.
BARTENDER: He's at the other bar down rat's alley where all the degenerates get drunk and knife fight each other.
ME: You are the hero of Skyrim lady. You are singly the most helpful character that I have ever encountered in this entire game. If the game allowed I would go buy that amulet and marry you.
*Goes to find other bar. Discovers that the town that is two levels built on top of a lake has a goddamn stone dungeon under it.*
ME: How are we not dead? How is this not underwater right now? Why is nothing in here wet? Why is this other bar through what appears to be either a dungeon or the sewer?
*Men helpfully identified as lowlifes and bandits come out and attack us. We kill them*
ME: If this is how you get people into your bar HOW THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING MONEY!?
MY BODYGUARD: I don't have a good feeling about this.
MY CHARACTER: ...
ME: You never have a good feeling about this. You are always saying stupid shit like 'Ow quit setting me on fire!' and 'I have never seen that before!' and “I don't have a good feeling about this.” Way to be positive there.
SCOTT: Are you talking to your game again?
ME: Don't you judge me.