Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years, Six Dollar wine, JJR Tolkien and Le Miserables.

So, I'm hungover now. Hopefully this recounting of last night makes sense, It might not.


Yup. Last night I drank an entire bottle of wine. Yuppers. An entire six dollar bottle of wine. Why did I do this thing, you might ask?

Because I fucking felt like it.

So me and the husband get drunk in the kitchen and then start reenacting The Lord of the Rings in the kitchen.

ME: Can you picture being Frodo on the fucking boat, at the end of Return of King when they sail off to the gray havens? I mean, he like gets up in middle of the night because he can't sleep because of all the TERRIBLE TRAUMA, and he gets to the kitchen and then Elrond is all drunk again?

ME AS ELROND: That fucking bastard took my fucking daughter! That son of bitch. He doesn't deserve her, he's, he's not fit to, to- *Starts crying*

ME AS GALADRIEL: Yes, we know Elrond. Maybe you should stop drinking honey.

ME AS CELEBORN: Uh huh. Yup. He's a bastard. Got it.

ME AS ELROND: Son of bitch, that stupid son of a bitch, with his hands on my daughter. I sent him to die on that quest!

ME AS GANDALF: Oh don't mind me, I'll just be here in a corner AFTER I SAVED THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD. After you elves were doing shit nothing to help. Sure just sit around in elf town doing JACK and SHIT. It's cool though, no really, no you just go on about your petty bullshit Elrond everyone wants to hear that.

SCOTT AS BILBO: Oh look I think I shall go for a walk today! Oh no the fields are so wet!

ME AS FRODO: Fuck this noise.

Then we got really drunk and listened to Star Wars sound track on Scott's record player. Then I got super drunk and he put on Le Miserables.

You know what's kinda of a party killer? Le miserables.

I have never actually seen the play in all it's entirety. Scott attempted to explain the plot. It was kind of a downer.

ME: So she's hooking for her kid?

SCOTT: Yes she also sells her hair.

ME: That does not seem like a sound investment strategy. How fast does hair grow anyway?

SCOTT: I don't know.

ME: This is depressing.

SCOTT: You know that why it's called the Miserable One's right?

ME READING THE BACK OF THE RECORD: Oh no. Now this makes sense. This was written by Victor Hugo?

SCOTT: Yeah why?

ME: Because I can't make it through his books Scott. They aren't even man porn Scott. Look when I read Victor Hugo I feel like he is slapping me repeatably with his penis.

SCOTT: You know what I think I'll turn this off.

ME: That would be best.

Then about that point I had to eat some emergency crackers and then I went to bed because the world had become soft and warm and pleasant.

At least until this morning.



  1. I am laughing so hard at this. You put into words everything I have ever felt about Victor Hugo.

    1. Thank god you agree with me, I think Scott though I was a little crazy when I said it. (I think he's a closet Victor Hugo fan.)

  2. Wow...loss of words...wow.

    But you managed to get a laugh out of "Crack!"

  3. Quite possibly the best Victor Hugo description ever.