Monday, January 28, 2013

Why I am Beginning to Hate Skyrim.

ME: So I have to go to this town, and find this dude. Got it.

*Gets to town. Runs into head thief guy.*

HEAD THIEF GUY: So you look like you did not earn your wealth honestly.

ME: Well, if you don't count going on endless dungeon crawls and fighting zombies and sometimes wizard zombies, then yes.

MY CHARACTER: How can you tell that?

THIEF GUY: How you walk, how you move, the way you watch people. You fooled my little shakedown at the gate.

ME: I set him on fire.

MY CHARACTER: Right, look I am looking for an old man.

ME: Yeah, cause there isn't any old men in this city at all ever. Except the one I am looking for.

THIEF GUY: Information without payment? I don't think so. Look, you help me I'll help you.

MY CHARACTER: What do you have in mind?

THIEF GUY: Alright first off I will create a distraction, then you will steal the ring under (some nord ass name I can't pronounce's) desk. Then you will sneak the ring into (some other dudes) pocket.

ME: Um no. I will put this game down right now if I have to do this. Remember that time I had to sneak into that embassy and steal those plans? And then I just panicked and killed everyone in the entire place because I have no points in my sneak skill? I am covered in armor. My body guard is covered in armor. We sound like two metal elephants having sex in the back of a car every time we move. I am not going on this mission.

*Checks quest log*

ME: Alright let's get off this quest, here we go, find the dude, the next step is FUCK. Talk to thief guy. FUCK!

THIEF GUY: You are trying my patience. If you help in this I reward you with wealth.

MY CHARACTER: No, I am not interested.

THIEF GUY: You are wasting a golden opportunity.

ME: Oh my god I am being hustled by a viking! I am not your whore. The armor I am wearing is worth more then anything you will own ever. Why is there no dialog option 'I am not good at this shit, I will fuck it up, but I don't give a shit what you do good luck with that.'

THIEF GUY: Great rewards.

ME: Fuck this, we are going to the bar.

*Walks into bar, there is a guy standing in the center yelling about the sin of drinking.*

ME: Oh what the fuck.


PRIEST DUDE: Hello have you heard the word of (Some dumbass deity?)

MY CHARACTER: No, why don't you tell me about her?

PREIST DUDE: She is the god of love. If you buy this amulet from me, I'll merry you in her temple.

ME: Oh fuck no. Is everybody in this town trying to hustle me. Do I look like a dumb ass tourist to you? My left hand is continuously on fire. What part of that screams 'sell me shit?'

*Breaks off conversation with priest goes to talk to bartender.*

MY CHARACTER: I'm looking for this older man who is staying somewhere in this town.

BARTENDER: He's at the other bar down rat's alley where all the degenerates get drunk and knife fight each other.

ME: You are the hero of Skyrim lady. You are singly the most helpful character that I have ever encountered in this entire game. If the game allowed I would go buy that amulet and marry you.

*Goes to find other bar. Discovers that the town that is two levels built on top of a lake has a goddamn stone dungeon under it.*

ME: How are we not dead? How is this not underwater right now? Why is nothing in here wet? Why is this other bar through what appears to be either a dungeon or the sewer?

*Men helpfully identified as lowlifes and bandits come out and attack us. We kill them*

ME: If this is how you get people into your bar HOW THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING MONEY!?

MY BODYGUARD: I don't have a good feeling about this.


ME: You never have a good feeling about this. You are always saying stupid shit like 'Ow quit setting me on fire!' and 'I have never seen that before!' and “I don't have a good feeling about this.” Way to be positive there.

SCOTT: Are you talking to your game again?

ME: Don't you judge me.


  1. While I can't say anything about Skyrim, having never played before, I can totally get the talking to your game! I picked up Zelda, Twilight Princess for Christmas and I am constantly yelling at it. Also, I argue with my Sims all the time!

    1. I don't do it with every game, but when I do there is a whole lot of unnecessary yelling.

  2. I just love the part about the 'two metal elephants having sex in the back of a car'. I laughed so hard! Yelling at games and dying is about all I am good at.

  3. I know so little about skyrim except there is some business about an arrow to the knee. I can say that I scream at Link as flits about Hyrule so hard I've been known to go completely hoarse for days.

  4. My kid is currently playing Skyrim while I occasionally watch him do it. He actually is good at sneaking because he's been putting a lot of his perks into that, but he gets frustrated with his follower getting in his way when he's trying to walk through a passageway and yells at him or her. Also, the female warrior servant who was assigned to him sounds really snippily put upon when he gives her stuff to carry and she says "I am sworn to bear your burdens..." -- I swear you can see the eye-roll there.... He also has some sort of magic ghost dude that he got after talking to the the Night Mother (I think?) who he can conjure up and he's occasionally killed the guy on purpose because said guy won't quit talking when he's trying to hear dialog about a mission. He may be helpful going though a dungeon, but he's a damned annoying ghost assassin the rest of the time.

    1. I HATED THAT 'I am sworn to carry your burdens.' Like, she keep saying shit like, 'I will protect you with my life' and 'I am sworn to serve you' yet when I need you to carry something, or I need to upgrade your armor, I get this? Really? Like death is okay, but holding this sword for me is not.

      I finally got rid of her, and got a cute guy that is super chill about carrying my unnecessary crap all over Skyrim.