Saturday, March 16, 2013

I Have Purchased Another Vehicle.

I have purchased another vehicle, because that is what you do in the country. Buy vehicles. I also think it's cursed. I knew it was cursed, because it was really cheap. They guy who sold it to us, told us that the breaks were bad. He also told us he bled the breaks.

He never bled the breaks. This became evident when we opened the break fluid reservoir and discovered that instead of the clear bluish green break fluid, it was filled with what looked like motor oil mixed with coffee.

And that's bad.

See our plan was to buy this cheap ass blazer, put about a thousand dollars of work into it and come out ahead. However there was one thing I hadn't taken into account.

It's winter.

The snowiest winter on record ever. Also, it's ball shitingly cold outside. Ball shitingly. Also, because this vehicle belonged to other poor people, it had never, ever been given a tune up. So we took it upon ourselves to do so. We replaced filters and fought off valves, and I learned that one way to ruin a coat is to remove a fuel filter and have it puke gasoline down my arm like a drunk frat boy. So that's one less coat for me. I also learned that my winter boots, while great for wearing while shoveling snow or taking the dog for a walk, do shit nothing to protect my feet while I am standing around or laying under a vehicle.

So by the third day of bleeding the breaks to clear out the bad fluid, replacing the spark plugs and wires, the air and fuel filters, and some valves and hey bleeding the damn breaks again, my feet were shot. I spent a whole evening hobbling around on my weird burning/itchy/pins and needles feet. Until I took a shower and they turned into painful swollen feet.

Ha ha fun.

However at the end of the third day there was the light at end of the tunnel. We put the tires back on, buttoned her up, and turned her on. The check engine light was off, meaning that we are freakin wizards. Unfortunately, the breaks were still bad. Which, although not surprising, was really, really depressing.

Oh did I mention that we only have ten days to get it inspected?

And those three days we spent working on it were not consecutive?

Ha ha right.

So we are going to miss our ten days because every time one of us suggests going back out there my brain starts screaming. Also, we made the decision to replace the master cylinder and the break booster. Because I am fairly certain that the breaks should not hiss like angry snakes when you hit the pedal. You know how much a new master cylinder runs?

Too damn much.

Oh and did I mention that the four wheel drive won't engage?

The four wheel drive won't engage.

Ha ha. Did I mention this blazer was pretty damn cheap? I did. Well then. You know, the next time I am all like, we should buy a cheap ass car and fix it up, it will totally be cheaper, just start slapping me. Even if you have to get on a plane or swim across an ocean or you have to smack your monitor and pretend.

Because this shit is wack.

Oh I'm saving money all right. Sanity, not so much.

So if you need me I will be drinking wine and yelling inarticulate things at the sky until I get too damn cold and have to come back inside. Which is how I deal with stress. Because in rural ass West Virgina nobody gives a shit which is why I love the country/it is the place for me.

(PS: Oh and does anybody know how to get gasoline out of a coat? I don't think I can Google that because, you know watch list.)

(PPS: Drinking fixes everything.*)

*No no it doesn't.


  1. I admire your desire to take on these projects that usually end up in drinking! I see what you're doing there, and I like it! :)

    I don't know much about Blazers, but I think you're right about the booster. That would be my guess.

    On Chevy trucks, the 4X4 was engaged with a thingy on the front axle that when turned on, extended out to engage a lever in the axle. Its easy to check. if you take it out and see if it extends when it gets heated up. ( i know how dirty that sounds.) It's a place to start?

  2. Bleeding brakes is the worst - something I despise. Drinking might not fix everything, or even anything but it's a lot more fun than bleeding brakes.

  3. If only you had posted about your plan BEFORE you bought the darned thing...been there, done that, only with a Subaru wagon.

  4. Ball-shitingly cold is a phrase that is going in my lexicon right the hell now.

  5. Urgh car troubles are the WORST! Yes, drinking does fix everything (except driving abilities...) xx

  6. Drinking may not fix things, but hell, after three days of break bleeding and turbo taxing, or whatever it is you're doing, I'd turn to the bottle too.