Things I Have Learned After Watching Star Trek Drunk.

So the other night, we decided to sit down and watch Star Trek the Original Series in honer of my birthday. I also printed out a set of rules we had to follow, such as, 'drink every time a red shirt dies' or 'drink every time Spock says logical' or 'drink every time a system is offline.'

Needless to say I got drunk pretty damn fast.

What really did me in though was that the first episode we watched, the whole damn ship went offline, so it was like going from zero to drunk in about half an hour. Anyway, here are some important observations about Star Trek.

Bones is like, a really crappy doctor. I said it. I'm sorry. Look, I like Bones, and he also will prescribe alcohol to you if you are depressed. Which is great, but he will also kill you space dead if your name isn't Kirk or Spock. No really. I watched one episode where a red shirt got shot, and then he dove to the ground to help him, (which was good) but then all he did was sort of lightly tap the would with his bare (bacteria covered) hand while he cut between paying attention to the DYING MAN and watching Kirk and Spock argue. So less then stellar there.

Also, I am fairly convinced that Scotty is both overworked, underpaid, and also probably having sex with the ship, somehow. Possibly through that dilithium crystal port thing. I feel really bad for him, is what I am saying.

Spock is my new favorite character because he really, really does not give a shit. Which is awesome.

Kirk is, despite acting and looking nothing like the men I normally lust after, oddly attractive. I'm saying that I would totally have sex with Captain Kirk if the opportunity came up. Then I would probably get a space STD. And then I would have to hope that I am like, really relevant to the plot or otherwise Mr. Inconsistent Doctoring Abilities up there wouldn't be any help.

All the fight scenes are the funniest thing I have ever seen in the entire history of cinematography.

Being drunk also makes me, way, way too involved. I found myself yelling shit like “this is creepy” and “no get up Kirk and punch him in the nuts!”

Remember how I totally ragged on the movie TIMELINE for just, you know, shitting all over science? Yeah well, let's just say the episode where they find the planet full of immortal Mongolians that have an EXACT copy of the US Constitution AND an exact copy of an American flag, literally broke my brain. No like, really. Even through my blurry haze of alcohol.

Mini skirts are, apparently, the wave of the future for every female everywhere ever.

Back when I used to own a flip phone, I totally missed my chance to end every conversation with “Holly out” and began every conversation with “Holly to Enterprise.” All those wasted years.

Setting phasers to stun, is like, 99% effective in almost every problem.

I also learned that if you stay up till the middle of the night getting drunk and watching Star Trek you will be really, really hungover the next day. Like my whole body hurts like I have been in a badly choreographed fight scene all night. A fight scene against the booze. So my day consisted of dragging my bloated corpse body around and eating aspirins and swearing never to drink again and feeling like my headache was beating in time to techno music that only I could hear. Which is, now that I think about it, probably exactly what it is like to be Capitan Kirk.

So in conclusion, Star Trek is fucking awesome.

*Holly out.*

Brush Clearing and the Fence of Thorns.

After spending, oh about a week in denial of all the branches and trees down around our place, we finally loaded up the chainsaw and went out to tackle it.

It wasn't that bad.

No really.

Scott would cut up the main trunk with the chainsaw and I would drag the smaller branches away. Except that I didn't really have anywhere to put them. Then Scott was all like, why don't we make a brush fence. Since we still have a row of old fence posts up along the road, this was a good idea. It got the brush out of the woods, and also made a nice barrier.

And it was fun as hell. I quickly became obsessed with it, to the point that Scott stopped helping me entirely because I kept redoing his sections and just went to load firewood and rail fence logs into the truck.

I entered a zone that day.

I was in brush fence zen. It did not matter how far I had to drag those limbs. All that mattered was the fence. The perfect loose crazy branches were held up away from my side of the fence by the posts. That way I could weave them into sturdy impassible barriers. That fact that I was taking something that most people were just piling up and burning and getting to play adult fort time. Really.

It was like when I was a kid making little buildings and forts out of sticks, except that now I am an adult and I can lift a shit ton more and have access to power tools and axes and shit. It was like stick fort time plus a thousand.

While Scott quietly did the real work, gradually moving away from me as he went, an idea hit me. An idea so pure, and so wonderful that I had to pause just to revel in it's sheer magnificence.

Imagine the scene. There I am standing in the forest on a cool winters day, with sticks in my hair, looking for things to go in my brush fence. And then I see it. All those multiflora rose plants I cut but never removed.

Oh no, your thinking. She didn't.

I did.

It was a process. Each branch had to be carefully removed from it's thorny, spiky fellows and then walked up along the fence and interwoven into the branches. Oh, you could get through my fence. You could force your way through it, but I wasn't going to make it easy for you.

About the time I was adding in the additional vertical supports Scott suggested we stop for the day. So we put the firewood away and laid out the rails for out split rail fence and put the tools away. Cause you know, stop for the day doesn't mean you stop working. It just means you stop working for the most part. Or you go work inside.

Look language is kinda tricky like that okay?

The important thing here is that for a whole day I got to play super brush fence fort time like I was motherfucking twelve. Even though I but the road trimming maintenance guy is gonna hate me so hard. So very, very hard.

Eh. Worth it.

So very, very worth it.

Red Dead Redemption is a Terrible Addiction.

I have been lazy about writing blog posts. Mostly because I have been sleeping in and then playing Red Dead Redemption till about 1am.

For those of you who don't know, Red Dead is a Cowboy Western game where the protagonist shoots up half the west. It's also as addictive as all hell. I can't stop playing it. I want to play it right now. You don't understand. You can set grizzly bears on fire in this game.

I actuality played through it once already, but the addiction was terrible and now I need to play it again and see what I missed the first go around.

It's pure sweet addiction here people.

There was a point when I had to stop so I could go to work. And also my husbands birthday was in there somewhere, which we celebrated by making cupcakes and going for a long walk in the woods because I have 30 god damned acres and we are going to use it by god.

It's gotten so bad that I think Scott realized that if he wants to spend time with me he needs to come watch me play the game. Now he doesn't play video games himself, but he will on occasion watch me play. This is useful because he usually spots things I don't, like hidden treasure and power ups and what not.

However lately he's been drifting into the bedroom and watching me play for hours at a time. I guess having me show up for meals or tea breaks every once in a while wasn't enough interaction time for him. Which is why I love him.

Also I've been wandering though the house shouting “IT'S NOT AN ADDICTION I CAN STOP ANYTIME THAT I WANT.”

I may need therapy when this is all over.

Halloween is coming!

Holy shit it's September already!? You know that means right? Right? Halloween is NEXT MONTH. Sweet Jesus, I have only just started on my costume. I still need to do so much to it. 

Okay stay calm Holly. Step one, find awesome party to go to. Step two, finish costume. Step three, make traditional batch of super awesome Halloween cookies and possibility some Halloween cupcakes. 

The problem is the past two Halloweens I had no fun whatsoever. The first year it was because we were working and I am addicted to money so I did not get to go out, and the second year my stomach broke and my doctor told me I could not eat candy or drink beer. So this Halloween, I not only have to have a good time, I have to have two years worth of good times. Wish me luck. 

It's only, like, the best holiday ever. 

I don't think I'm going to decorate the house mobile home this year because mobile home living is getting really depressing which is why we are going to start building a house next year. Also I use most of the things I buy for Halloween decorations year round, because you can never have too many gargoyles.  

This year I am going as a crazy steampunk lady. I purchased the costume at a Big Lots for 12$. I should probably point out that steampunk is probably on its way out if I can find it at a Big Lots. I didn't even know that you could buy costumes at the Big Lots in August. I think a showed great restraint in not purchasing the magnetic mailbox cover. I wanted that goddamn mailbox cover, but Scott said I shouldn't buy it. He probably said this because we had just finished putting in a new mailbox and adding on fancy lettering instead of the black magic marker jobber on the old one. Mostly though I think it's because he is not a team player.  

Team Halloween that is. 

I wonder if it's too early for Halloween music? Nah, Scott will like hearing the ghost busters theme song and Nightmare Before Christmas for two strait months. 

Duh na dun na dun, duh na na na na duh, when there's something strange, in neighborhood, who you gonna call...