I Hate Strange Showers

I feel the need to write this post because when I was trying to explain this to my coworker he was giving me this look like I was crazy. I hate using a strange shower, because I never know how the goddamn thing is supposed to work. Okay, okay I know that standard set up, two knobs, pull tab, and you’re in business. Except where the hell did all these weird ass shower designs come from? Like those handles that you have to turn sideways. The more you turn them, the more water pressure you get, but it’s actually a cruel trap, because the more you turn them the colder the water gets. So in effect you have two choices, you can have nice warm/hot water, or you can have water pressure, but you can’t have both because life is unfair and painful cold. 

 

The worst is what I call the mystery shower, or at least that’s what I call it in my own mind where no one can judge me for it. Shut up. Anyway the mystery show is as follows: any shower with an unfamiliar set up of knobs and levers.

I swear to Buddha, I am not making this up, although in my defense I was very sleep deprived. I was just happy to have reached the point in the day where I could take a goddamn shower. I get naked, obtain a hotel towel that smells like bleach and go switch on the shower. This diabolical fiend was a single knob with no instructions what so ever. Well I had a shower like this when I was a kid, I got this no problem. I pull the knob out and water comes pouring out into the tub. It takes me awhile to get the water hot, because this hotel’s water heaters seem to be taking fucking forever to make any progress and when you’re not entirely sure which is hot and which is cold, well it’s an adventure. I have also noticed a lot of showers at hotels are actually plumbed in backward for reasons I don’t understand but probably have to do with the fact they hired the plumber off craigslist.

Finally! Hot fucking water! Holy crap! I go to turn the shower on and realize there is no other lever. No button. Nothing. How in the fuck do you turn the shower on? 

 

Huh. 

 

I spend a few moments watching my hard won hot water pouring down the drain, and then another few wishing Scott would get in so I could ask him. I should also point out that having to ask him how the shower works is not abnormal in our marriage and I think he’s used to it by now. Any who, here I am starting at something that shouldn’t be happening if there was a fair and righteous god, and I get pissed. God damn I went to motherfucking college and got good grades and by god no cheap ass motel shower is going to stop me from being clean. I seize the knob and give it great yank to the left and to my surprise it pulls out even more and the shower comes on. VICTORY! 

 

I just realized that I probably should not be telling the whole Internet that I have trouble with unfamiliar shower designs, but I’m rather curious. Does anyone else have this problem? I am just crazy. Crazier than normal, I mean. I dunno. God damned showers are stealing my god damn dignity. Fuckers.

Time traveling space hookers.

So last night I had a dream about time traveling space hookers.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

Here, as unedited as I can make it, is my dream: 

Everything is dark in space, the stars are glowing brightly in the sky when all of sudden a wily group of time traveling space hookers lands on a planet/goes back in time to a medieval era. The locals are very surprised about this naturally, and give the girls corsets and dresses to wear. 

Somehow it is decided that these girls should come to court and talk to the gentry. The girls complain about how tight the corsets are. They also spend a considerable amount of time trying to explain what the words fuck and cunt mean. The locals are not impressed.

The dream sort of glossed over this bit, but I'm assuming they were kicked out of court for various reasons, because the next scene is them traveling along with a white knight. He is, in the manner of knights everywhere quite chivalrous and pledges his undying love for the brunet space hooker. He tells her that it is the fashion for all good women with the love of a knight to wear dragon feathers in there bodice. 

Alrighty then. 

He goes off and they all wait expectantly. They are gonna see goddamn dragon. This is gonna be sweet. However after a while, he returns carrying what looks like miniature pink version of Falcor. I mean seriously this dragon was smaller then a golden retriever. It was Technicolor though, so theres that. 

“That's it?” 

“Yes my lady. I have defeated this dragon so that I might gift upon you these feathers. ” 

“I thought it was going to be bigger.” 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to see this, the group is attacked by an evil sex resort* owner who kidnaps the space hookers. They are taken to his sex resort castle high up the mountains. The castle itself is made out what looks like imported tan sandstone. Inside it has white carpeting and resembles a cross between a hotel lobby and a furnished basement. The space hookers are herded inside and showed to the bar. Curiously my brain did not feel like inventing space alcohol for them, so the girls just had some beers. 

Then they are introduced to a group of guys who are going to take them for a 'test drive.' I would like to take this moment to point out that this is not going to turn into a bad porno form the seventies. No one except the girls is still wearing period dress, most of the men are dressed like they manage a Brookstone store at the mall. 

The girls were each split off with a guy, and we followed the brunet. She is reluctant to have sex until they work out a payment plan, and they are constantly interrupted by the owner of said sex resort who is trying to get them to take tequila shots. At this point in the dream I remember really wanting to laugh. I am not sure how that works in a third person dream, but I felt like it would probably be disconcerting for everyone involved if a disembodied voice started laughing during your rate negotiation.

He didn't seem to understand her payment plan very well, and somehow ends up thinking that her problem is that he wasn't going to use protection. After a few awkward moments of fumbling he triumphantly pulls a condom out of his back pocket. I'm not even sure why this planet/time/whatever has tequila and condoms, but lets just roll with it. Sick of arguing with him, the brunet space hooker agrees to blow him, and I'm treated to a crappy blow job montage where she gets lipstick on his rather small penis.**

 

The next bit is a bit hazy, possibly because we are all drunk on dream/space tequila. Somehow the brunet space hooker escapes are tries to climb out of the mountains to safety, but is intercepted by the sex resorts flock of giant golden eagles. I am treated to the dreams greatest image to date of the giant golden eagle, with the sunset lighting up it's wings, landing on the rock spire in front of the space hooker while the sun turns the snow around them gold and red. It was fucking awesome. 

Then I woke up because the dog needed to go out and I have to get up so we can finish the foundation walls on the new chicken coup. Such is life. 

 

*I don't know if sex resorts are a real thing, but they should be.

**I kinda lied about the porno thing.