Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls IV Sucks Donkey Balls.

I got this game for free, thank the sweet lord.

I spent more time stuck in corners, the floor, or redoing shit because auto saving when I complete something is apparently very hard for it to do. In fact I developed this theory that every time Oblivion auto saved it was extremely painful for it and therefore it kept that to a minimum.

The other problem, and oh boy, there were problems, was that I had no idea what was going on. I have never played any of the games in this series before, so I had no idea what the fuck was happening half the time. What the fuck spell was that thing shooting at me? Nobody knows? I have to fight the terrible menu system and fish through four pages of shit where my map should be to find out? Wonderful!

What's going on? How can the city watch materialize through a locked door into the basement with me, and yell at me for taking a book when I am surrounded by skulls and pentagrams and dirt encrusted shovels? I think I spent more time wondering what the hell was going on then I spent excited about what I was doing.

Why do the NPC's not move there heads and bodies at all when they are talking to me? Oh they move there head slightly, but have you ever had a conversation with someone who was wearing an invisible neck brace? Right. Now imagine talking to a whole world of people who are wearing invisible neck braces. It gets kinda downright creepy after a while. Like I landed in the kingdom that was attacked by a guild of angry chiropractors who were hell bent on their revenge.*

The thing that really tipped me over the edge though, the thing that made me want to put my fist through the game disk, was the horse. First off all the horses looked weirdly like what a ten year old girl would draw if you asked her to draw you her dream horse. Seriously I saw a purple horse. A motherfucking purple horse. Riding the horse was a exercise in sadness. Steering the horse, was well, interesting. Also, the horse had only one speed, as near as I could figure out. That speed was slow. Forget about galloping around on a majestic steed, it was more like lumbering around on some sort of alien that was wearing a horse skin to fool the humans, Men in Black style.

To add insult to the many horse related injury's I sustained was the fact that I could not fight from horse back. At all. Not even shooting off some spells. So that meant every time I was attacked by something, and there was a whole shit ton of somethings, I had two options: One try to out run the problem on my alien skin horse, or two, get off the horse and kill the thing.

Which is how I ended up fighting a wolf at the bottom of a pond.

I don't think I can make myself play this game anymore. It is painfully obvious that this was a PC game that they smashed into working on a console.** I think I am going to put in a new game, and stop ranting to the Internet about a game that came out in 2006, because I am a mature adult like that. Yeah. Shut up.

* I think if someone hasn't made this game, they damn well should.

** This probably made an awesome PC game, but not a PS3 game. My map has a god damned mouse pointer on it. Why? Why the fuck? Oh never mind.

I Hate Strange Showers

I feel the need to write this post because when I was trying to explain this to my coworker he was giving me this look like I was crazy. I hate using a strange shower, because I never know how the goddamn thing is supposed to work. Okay, okay I know that standard set up, two knobs, pull tab, and you’re in business. Except where the hell did all these weird ass shower designs come from? Like those handles that you have to turn sideways. The more you turn them, the more water pressure you get, but it’s actually a cruel trap, because the more you turn them the colder the water gets. So in effect you have two choices, you can have nice warm/hot water, or you can have water pressure, but you can’t have both because life is unfair and painful cold. 

 

The worst is what I call the mystery shower, or at least that’s what I call it in my own mind where no one can judge me for it. Shut up. Anyway the mystery show is as follows: any shower with an unfamiliar set up of knobs and levers.

I swear to Buddha, I am not making this up, although in my defense I was very sleep deprived. I was just happy to have reached the point in the day where I could take a goddamn shower. I get naked, obtain a hotel towel that smells like bleach and go switch on the shower. This diabolical fiend was a single knob with no instructions what so ever. Well I had a shower like this when I was a kid, I got this no problem. I pull the knob out and water comes pouring out into the tub. It takes me awhile to get the water hot, because this hotel’s water heaters seem to be taking fucking forever to make any progress and when you’re not entirely sure which is hot and which is cold, well it’s an adventure. I have also noticed a lot of showers at hotels are actually plumbed in backward for reasons I don’t understand but probably have to do with the fact they hired the plumber off craigslist.

Finally! Hot fucking water! Holy crap! I go to turn the shower on and realize there is no other lever. No button. Nothing. How in the fuck do you turn the shower on? 

 

Huh. 

 

I spend a few moments watching my hard won hot water pouring down the drain, and then another few wishing Scott would get in so I could ask him. I should also point out that having to ask him how the shower works is not abnormal in our marriage and I think he’s used to it by now. Any who, here I am starting at something that shouldn’t be happening if there was a fair and righteous god, and I get pissed. God damn I went to motherfucking college and got good grades and by god no cheap ass motel shower is going to stop me from being clean. I seize the knob and give it great yank to the left and to my surprise it pulls out even more and the shower comes on. VICTORY! 

 

I just realized that I probably should not be telling the whole Internet that I have trouble with unfamiliar shower designs, but I’m rather curious. Does anyone else have this problem? I am just crazy. Crazier than normal, I mean. I dunno. God damned showers are stealing my god damn dignity. Fuckers.