Saturday, February 4, 2012

Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls IV Sucks Donkey Balls.

I got this game for free, thank the sweet lord.

I spent more time stuck in corners, the floor, or redoing shit because auto saving when I complete something is apparently very hard for it to do. In fact I developed this theory that every time Oblivion auto saved it was extremely painful for it and therefore it kept that to a minimum.

The other problem, and oh boy, there were problems, was that I had no idea what was going on. I have never played any of the games in this series before, so I had no idea what the fuck was happening half the time. What the fuck spell was that thing shooting at me? Nobody knows? I have to fight the terrible menu system and fish through four pages of shit where my map should be to find out? Wonderful!

What's going on? How can the city watch materialize through a locked door into the basement with me, and yell at me for taking a book when I am surrounded by skulls and pentagrams and dirt encrusted shovels? I think I spent more time wondering what the hell was going on then I spent excited about what I was doing.

Why do the NPC's not move there heads and bodies at all when they are talking to me? Oh they move there head slightly, but have you ever had a conversation with someone who was wearing an invisible neck brace? Right. Now imagine talking to a whole world of people who are wearing invisible neck braces. It gets kinda downright creepy after a while. Like I landed in the kingdom that was attacked by a guild of angry chiropractors who were hell bent on their revenge.*

The thing that really tipped me over the edge though, the thing that made me want to put my fist through the game disk, was the horse. First off all the horses looked weirdly like what a ten year old girl would draw if you asked her to draw you her dream horse. Seriously I saw a purple horse. A motherfucking purple horse. Riding the horse was a exercise in sadness. Steering the horse, was well, interesting. Also, the horse had only one speed, as near as I could figure out. That speed was slow. Forget about galloping around on a majestic steed, it was more like lumbering around on some sort of alien that was wearing a horse skin to fool the humans, Men in Black style.

To add insult to the many horse related injury's I sustained was the fact that I could not fight from horse back. At all. Not even shooting off some spells. So that meant every time I was attacked by something, and there was a whole shit ton of somethings, I had two options: One try to out run the problem on my alien skin horse, or two, get off the horse and kill the thing.

Which is how I ended up fighting a wolf at the bottom of a pond.

I don't think I can make myself play this game anymore. It is painfully obvious that this was a PC game that they smashed into working on a console.** I think I am going to put in a new game, and stop ranting to the Internet about a game that came out in 2006, because I am a mature adult like that. Yeah. Shut up.

* I think if someone hasn't made this game, they damn well should.
** This probably made an awesome PC game, but not a PS3 game. My map has a god damned mouse pointer on it. Why? Why the fuck? Oh never mind.


  1. Completely agree here. Oblivion is an awful game and I didn't know what was going on 80% of the time. Also the people are SO ugly it really takes away from the experience of the game. Skyrim is so much better.

  2. Waa game doesn't hold my hand through everything waaa
    Go play Skyrim with all the other casuals that want style over substance.