Thursday, December 20, 2012

It Was an Immortal Vampire Possum

Okay so apparently it was an immortal vampire possum. I got up extra early the next morning, hoping to find my two missing chickens. Luckily they both standing in the yard waiting for me to open the coup and feed them. So I go in and feed them and then I look over the cage containing the dead possum. Then, because I am not stupid, I grab the pitchfork and poke the possum.

It was not dead.

After I stabbed it like six times with the pitchfork and Scott shot it in the head last night, it was not dead. After laying in freezing cold chicken coup all night it was not dead. I mean like, how in the fuck is it not dead? It was bleeding from it's skull. Let me repeat that. It was bleeding from the skull. My theory is that it is that it is an immortal vampire possum. See, this was why all of the chickens made it without being injured. Because immortal vampire possums only drink the blood of there own kind.

It all makes perfect sense!

I bet he was on the run from a gang of rival vampire possums. Or maybe a gang of vampire possum vigilantes set on returning the monster to it's grave, this time for good. You never really know with vampire possums. Although I suppose if I had gotten there later I might have seen the roving gang of possums fight the vampire possum. Possibly with kung foo. I wonder if they would need to stab the vampire possum with a stake. Does that even work when you don't have thumbs?

Well at this point even Scott was a little weirded out. Although he was talking about how they have really thick hides and that a wild animals will to survive is so strong.

Poor man just can't cope with the truth I guess. The vampire truth.

Although I think he secretly believed because he drug the unholy thing out of the coup and then shot it like eight times with a rifle because we don't want that thing getting back up now do we? This also makes me think that I need to keep holy water on hand, but I'm not sure that is something churches just give you. Although the church I went to as a kid had like a, I dunno, a small pool of it that you would bless yourself with. I guess I could just take some. Wait, will it work if I steal the holy water? Will a priest make me some holy water if I tell that I need to use it make sure a vampire possum stays dead?

You know, for all of my religious education as a child, it never really covered the important things.

Hopefully that was only vampire possum in the area. I would hate to have to set fire to the forest to kill them all. The fire department would probably hate that too. And the other people on my road. And the guy with the cattle farm. And my husband.

So yeah.

I think maybe I'll draw little crosses on my bullets in sharpie and pray that terrible vampire possum's rein of terror is over.

For now.

1 comment:

  1. I actually feel sorry for the little guy. OK, I guess I am on the possum's side, but admit that is a lot of trauma that he went through to still be alive.

    Hopefully, you won't have to set fire to the forrest and he was just a fluke vampire possum.