Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Going to the Vet, the Angry Cat Edition.

So after about a week of putting various drops and goop into my cats eyeballs it was time to take her back into the vet for a checkup of her horrible mangled eyes eye ulcers. Of course she was not okay with this at all ever. Which she expressed by refusing to go into her carrier. So I had Scott try to put her in while I held the crate but he only got her torso in before she caught on that this just might be another plot to take her to the vet and then all hell broke loose and she started making this sound like she was about to fuck our shit up. And of course she is like, super strong from her life outside where she would chase down and kill FULL GROWN RABBITS so then I panicked and turned the carrier straight up hoping gravity would help us out. However it turns out that gravity was giving us the finger that day because all this accomplished was that she turned into a helicopter made out of tail and fur and claws.

A cat-ass-copter if you will.

I started laughing because this was the funniest thing I had seen in a while and then I saw one of her front paws slap down on the outside of the door and then she managed to pull herself out of the thing entirely and tried to make a run for it and Scott had to tackle her.

So the horrible sounds of her laying the smack down resumed and it took both of us pushing on her ass to shove her into the crate and I slammed the door shut after her and latched it before she could turn around and checked to make sure both my hands were still attached and this wasn't going to be like that scene from Kill Bill where she totally cut that others chicks head off but she doesn't realize it at first. Except with my hands. And a cat.

Anyway we drive to the vet clinic and I listen to Emoticon trying to add in her own angry lyrics to the music on the radio and then we get there and the vet comes out and hands the receptionist the tiniest cutest puppy ever and asks her to hold it because apparently he won't stop crying and then all our hearts melt at once and the puppy is super happy because OMG ATTENTION.

Then we head on in and he puts dye in her eyeballs and asks us if we have seen any improvement and then I say no not really and then Emoticon refuses to open her third eyelid AGAIN and I am all like we are paying money for this open your damn eyes except I didn't say it out loud and I am pretty sure she gave the vet the finger.

So then he says that if we wanted we could take her to a specialist who happens to be in Gaithersburg Maryland. Just to clarify, we live in WEST VIRGINA. So then I am all like, well, she was a free cat... and then he said that really though the best thing we could do was keep treating them but that he was pretty sure the left eye was shot but we might be able to improve the right eye.

Which was pretty much the same thing he said the last time we went through all this.

Then I was like, I don't think we can ever take her off these medications again can we? Because we tried that and her right eye was totally fine and then everything went back to being awful as soon as we stopped and now we are playing save the cats eyeballs again. And then he said we were going to have to wait and see what happened this go around which probably means I have a new indoor cat now.

Then we fixed another appointment date and then we went to the counter to pay and the cutest puppy in the whole world was there again with it's working eyes and everything and then we paid and then we went back to the car and I felt bad for the cat and thought about how I didn't want any of this to happen and also about that fact that we pretty much gave each other the cats eyeballs for Christmas this year.

But in a totally non-creepy way.

I mean there is totally nothing weird about giving the gift of eyeballs right? Right?
You know what? I'll just stop typing before I make this worse.


  1. I love your description of trying to wrestle a cat into a cat carrier, I could almost feel your pain and shredded arms. Usually though, I get the cat that shits or pisses on the way to the vet so when you arrive, you've got an angry hissing shit covered cat to try and pry out of the carrier.

    Emoticon's eyes may not be the nicest gift you guys ever gave each other for Christmas, but I doubt you would have wanted anything else this year.

  2. You're wise to be wary. Those are Hattori Hanzo claws.

  3. First time posting. I will laugh for DAYS over this post, because I've been there with the cat and the vet thing (and even the cutest puppy ever). "Cat-ass-copter" just made me inhale my dinner through my nose! You are hilarious!

  4. I feel your pain. My husband and I gave each other Dog leg and Dog hives for Christmas this year, which an emergency vet visit 3 days before Christmas

  5. This made me laugh hysterically! I've been taking my cat to the vet every four months for blood tests (she's having trouble with her kidneys) and she freaks the fuck out every single time. And yes, my present to myself this Christmas was cat kidneys. So there's that.

  6. This gave me the laugh I needed!... or didn't need, as I should probably conserve my energy for living as I am currently experiencing the hottest day I have ever lived through, even though I've been in Australia my whole life, and I asked a teenager the other day and he confirmed I am totally old.
    I DIGRESS! Excellent post, and I laughed as only a cat person would. :-)

  7. Damn girl...I'd say you're lucky! The first time I tried to take my 'oh God the world is ending' cat to the vet I tried that gravity thing and ended up somehow getting the ugliest, longest scratch in the world on my leg! Turns out he has asthma and couldn't breathe half the time, so I can't really blame him for being schizo, I guess. Love your writing!

  8. Aw man, poor Emoticon just can't catch a break!

  9. This is a very sad story - I just hope you kitty isn't in pain. Isn't there an operation for this kind of complaint?

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