Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Heat the Terrible Heat!

So the past couple days have been my battle against the heat. It is fuckall uncharacteristically hot here. I moved to the top of this mountain because it was cool and nice up here in the summer and then I find out that was a lie. A terrible, terrible lie.

At least this mobile home has ceiling fans. Although the window screens are a goddamn joke. Some of the windows have no screens at all. They look like they have never had screens, they have no grooves for the screens to slide into. They are the unscreened, a race of terrible half windows doomed to roam the earth letting bugs into peoples houses until the earth finally reclaims there shattered remains.

Luckily, I was at the feed store the other day and saw they had a bunch of those separate window screens that slid out to accommodate any window size. So we bought a bunch and shoved them into the windows.

At last a glorious breeze! Air flow motherfuckers.

Then the sun went down.

Since I do not live like the Amish and go to bed with the sun, I realized that these screens, while effective during the daytime, are not so effective at night. Let me put it this way. Have you ever walked into your own kitchen only to have the Ride of the Valkyries start up somewhere in the back of your head as you gaze at the many insects swooping and diving and skittering around your kitchen?


Just me?

Okay. So there were, conservative estimate here, about a million moths. What was even worse, though in my mind, was the even bigger moths pressed against my now very flimsy looking held-in-with-only-the-pressure-of-the-widow screen. They were flapping there huge wings against the screens and clawing at it with there tiny forelegs. Now, I like moths, they are the butterflies of the night. I will catch them and put them back outside if I find one because I think they are beautiful. But I learned something.

Their eyes glow red at night.

This is one of those things that you don't come to fully appreciate until you are one flimsy window screen away from having one of them in your house. I learned this by having a Luna moth land on the window and gaze at me with it's blood red glowy eyes. If you don't know how big a Luna moth is just look at your hand. Yeah, about that big. I have always loved luna moths, until this moment. I took this disturbing bit of news like that sane rational adult I am.

And by that I screamed “oh my fucking god it's Mothman!”

But even worse then Mothman was the discovery of the devil bug. I have no words for how badly this bug terrifies me. Even worse then the giant green chipping grasshopper things, even worse then the vampire mosquitoes.

It's this long thin bug with big wings, and giant set of double pincers. I cannot convey to you the horror of this thing. It's shiny where it should not be shiny and it's wings are greasy and unwholesome looking. It also has a way of twisting it's head around defensively if you get too close. This bug looks like something Satan would send out in the middle of the night to murder innocent children. If Harry Potter had to fight one a giant one of these things he would have terror peed himself.

And they assault my house every night. You know, the only part of the day where it's not a bazillion degrees outside and I can't justify running the AC. Yeah, that part.

So if you need me I am going to be sitting in the corner with a fly swatter and some raid, awaiting my nightly assault by the Evil Insect Forces of the night.

Oh they're out there people.

They're out there.


  1. This really made me laugh. We don't have screens at our house (I live in India) and if I forget to close the porch door 5 minutes after the sun goes down, my kitchen looks like that too. Ride of the Valkyries indeed.

  2. my estimates are always about a million too haha

  3. I've never seen a live Luna Moth! ...I've never seen a dead one either, for that matter. Wow. But yeah, bugs in the house = not good. Good luck with that!