Monday, January 14, 2013

Timeline, or That Movie That Does not Understand Science.

So while I was at my uncles house they were all like let's watch a movie, an I was all like, I don't really watch movies, an they were all like, here's a good one, we'll watch Timeline. So I grabbed a beer and sat on the couch and we watched Timeline. I'm also having a hard time not putting Timeline in italics like TIMELINE because that's how my brain thinks it should look. I would warn you about spoilers, but there is really no point with this film.

This movie was about a company that ships things anywhere in the world with magic their teleporter. Except something goes wrong and it starts sending shit back in time. So then they send some people back in time because the butterfly effect hasn't been invented in this movie. But they only have a six hour window to go back in time, fuck around and come back. After that they are stuck in 14th century France. During a battle. Because you know the magic teleporter necklaces that let you come back have a limited battery life or some shit.

Well of course like, half of them don't come back, or they do come back but the machine fucked up and they are like dead. Like really, really dead.

But then! Then they find this archaeologist dude who totally played that old guy from that one movie with the guns, who wants to go back in time because he does not understand science. So he does and then he gets captured by the invading English because he is a modern guy in glasses wandering around 14th century France during a battle.

I can't stress the battle part enough.

So then his plucky son, Male Protagonist # 1 that I hated because he brought Female Protagonist #1 an already opened beer while she was working on a dig site because that's totally okay, so they could have a hilarious moment where she doesn't see him and knocks it over, and then she drinks it because accepting already open beers from your bosses son is the best idea ever that nothing could ever go wrong with that plan, find out Old Guy is missing when Male Protagonist #2 Old Guys assistant discovers a note that Old Guy wrote on some leather back in 14th century France knowing that they would find it at the dig site at the same location in modern day France.

Got that? No. Whatever, it's really not import other then Male Pro #1 and #2, a French dude, Female Pro #1 and their nerd friend get on a jet and go to corporate teleporter Co. Which of course tells them everything that's happened minus the covered up murders, because telling a bunch of people that have a good reason to hate you, no loyalty, and are possibly security risks that you have a freaking teleporter that you are hiding from the rest of the world can never go wrong at all.

So they get there and Teleporter Co. is all like, we need you to get the Old Guy back. So they agree because six hour window OMG! Excpet nerd boy says no fucking way don't you understand how this works? And I'm all I know nerd guy! They should ask for triple overtime pay! With hazard pay. But they don't cause they are retarded and they just get in the machine and go.

And then, well, the exact things you would expect to happen when you just up and go to 14th century France during THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE. Or course everyone spoke modern French and English because um, reverse butterfly effect?

Two extraneous characters that had no names die, but not before one them accidentally destroys the teleporter by teleporting back with a grenade like an idiot. Frenchy dies because he is not English. The rest of them almost die because they are sticking out like sore thumbs. Like you do.

But then! Male Protagonist #2 saves a looking girl who is now Female Protagonist # 2. Also he is the only one in this whole party besides Old Guy that 1: Knows the local English language and customs, 2: can fight with medieval weaponry and 3: is a badass.

Also the company guy sent back with them is being totally reasonable and they all hate him for it. Then eventually he gets stabbed for it. Then wacky time travel shit happens. Then everybody gets captured at least once by various people.

More butterfly effect shit goes down and then it's the big battle to take the English at the Castle. Where instead of how the battle was supposed to go, our intrepid dumbasses heroes:

Save Female Protagonist #2 who was supposed to be the turning point of the battle through her death.

Teach the English how to make everlasting Greek fire because why the fuck not?

Show the French a secret passage into the castle.

Oh and then they blow up pretty much the entire back half of the castle.

Because that won't change the future. Nope not at all. Then male Protagonist #2 stays with his Female Protagonist #2 in the past while the others go back to the freshly repaired teleporter because apparently things like health care and clean drinking water were not important to him.

So all four of them come back. From the past. Where they blew up a castle.

Then my uncle asked me how I liked the movie or something I had to explain that because they didn't take into account either the rotation of the earth, or it's movement through outer space, that everyone would have died in the vacuum of space when they teleported because it is stuck to only one location. Then I also said that I didn't like Male Protagonist #1 and then I asked Scott what his name was and he didn't know.

Then I had to explain that when you bring the Female lead an already open beer and tell her you like her and she gently lets you down because you are the bosses son and she loves and really wants to keep her job here, it is not okay to show her throwing herself at him for comfort at every available opportunity in 14th Century France in the middle of a battle.

And my uncle gave me a weird look and then I looked at my aunt to back me up but she was asleep. And then Scott was all like it's late we better go and then we did but now I'm still like, not that's not okay and if going back in time to save your boss isn't enough to keep you on the payroll I don't think that dating his son should be within your dignity.

And Scott was all like, no she went to him for comfort and fell in love with him.

An I'm like, no that's not what happens. I don't tell men I'm not interested and then start throwing myself at them when I get scared. She was a strong women who stabbed a dude to death with a motherfucking arrow who clearly did not need a man to get her through that shit.

An then Scott was like I think you missed the point of the film.

An then I'm like, no, the point of the film is that no matter what you never want to get into a teleporter.

Which I believe is what we can all take away from this film.

TIMELINE. Sorry I'll stop now.


I'll stop.

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