ME: So I have to go to this town, and
find this dude. Got it.
*Gets to town. Runs into head thief
guy.*
HEAD THIEF GUY: So you look like you
did not earn your wealth honestly.
ME: Well, if you don't count going on
endless dungeon crawls and fighting zombies and sometimes wizard
zombies, then yes.
MY CHARACTER: How can you tell that?
THIEF GUY: How you walk, how you move,
the way you watch people. You fooled my little shakedown at the gate.
ME: I set him on fire.
MY CHARACTER: Right, look I am looking
for an old man.
ME: Yeah, cause there isn't any old men
in this city at all ever. Except the one I am looking for.
THIEF GUY: Information without payment?
I don't think so. Look, you help me I'll help you.
MY CHARACTER: What do you have in mind?
THIEF GUY: Alright first off I will
create a distraction, then you will steal the ring under (some nord
ass name I can't pronounce's) desk. Then you will sneak the ring into
(some other dudes) pocket.
ME: Um no. I will put this game down
right now if I have to do this. Remember that time I had to sneak
into that embassy and steal those plans? And then I just panicked and
killed everyone in the entire place because I have no points in my
sneak skill? I am covered in armor. My body guard is covered in
armor. We sound like two metal elephants having sex in the back of a
car every time we move. I am not going on this mission.
*Checks quest log*
ME: Alright let's get off this quest,
here we go, find the dude, the next step is FUCK. Talk to thief guy.
FUCK!
THIEF GUY: You are trying my patience.
If you help in this I reward you with wealth.
MY CHARACTER: No, I am not interested.
THIEF GUY: You are wasting a golden
opportunity.
ME: Oh my god I am being hustled by a
viking! I am not your whore. The armor I am wearing is worth more
then anything you will own ever. Why is there no dialog option 'I am
not good at this shit, I will fuck it up, but I don't give a shit
what you do good luck with that.'
THIEF GUY: Great rewards.
ME: Fuck this, we are going to the bar.
*Walks into bar, there is a guy
standing in the center yelling about the sin of drinking.*
ME: Oh what the fuck.
MY CHARACTER: Hello.
PRIEST DUDE: Hello have you heard the
word of (Some dumbass deity?)
MY CHARACTER: No, why don't you tell me
about her?
PREIST DUDE: She is the god of love. If
you buy this amulet from me, I'll merry you in her temple.
ME: Oh fuck no. Is everybody in this
town trying to hustle me. Do I look like a dumb ass tourist to you?
My left hand is continuously on fire. What part of that
screams 'sell me shit?'
*Breaks off conversation with priest
goes to talk to bartender.*
MY CHARACTER: I'm looking for this older
man who is staying somewhere in this town.
BARTENDER: He's at the other bar down
rat's alley where all the degenerates get drunk and knife fight each
other.
ME: You are the hero of Skyrim lady.
You are singly the most helpful character that I have ever
encountered in this entire game. If the game allowed I would go buy
that amulet and marry you.
*Goes to find other bar. Discovers that
the town that is two levels built on top of a lake has a goddamn
stone dungeon under it.*
ME: How are we not dead?
How is this not underwater right now? Why is nothing in here wet? Why
is this other bar through what appears to be either a dungeon or the
sewer?
*Men helpfully identified
as lowlifes and bandits come out and attack us. We kill them*
ME: If this is how you get
people into your bar HOW THE HELL ARE YOU MAKING MONEY!?
MY BODYGUARD: I don't have
a good feeling about this.
MY CHARACTER: ...
ME: You never have a good
feeling about this. You are always saying stupid shit like 'Ow quit
setting me on fire!' and 'I have never seen that before!' and “I
don't have a good feeling about this.” Way to be positive there.
SCOTT: Are you talking to
your game again?
ME: Don't you judge me.
While I can't say anything about Skyrim, having never played before, I can totally get the talking to your game! I picked up Zelda, Twilight Princess for Christmas and I am constantly yelling at it. Also, I argue with my Sims all the time!
ReplyDeleteI don't do it with every game, but when I do there is a whole lot of unnecessary yelling.
DeleteI just love the part about the 'two metal elephants having sex in the back of a car'. I laughed so hard! Yelling at games and dying is about all I am good at.
ReplyDeleteI know so little about skyrim except there is some business about an arrow to the knee. I can say that I scream at Link as flits about Hyrule so hard I've been known to go completely hoarse for days.
ReplyDeleteMy kid is currently playing Skyrim while I occasionally watch him do it. He actually is good at sneaking because he's been putting a lot of his perks into that, but he gets frustrated with his follower getting in his way when he's trying to walk through a passageway and yells at him or her. Also, the female warrior servant who was assigned to him sounds really snippily put upon when he gives her stuff to carry and she says "I am sworn to bear your burdens..." -- I swear you can see the eye-roll there.... He also has some sort of magic ghost dude that he got after talking to the the Night Mother (I think?) who he can conjure up and he's occasionally killed the guy on purpose because said guy won't quit talking when he's trying to hear dialog about a mission. He may be helpful going though a dungeon, but he's a damned annoying ghost assassin the rest of the time.
ReplyDeleteI HATED THAT 'I am sworn to carry your burdens.' Like, she keep saying shit like, 'I will protect you with my life' and 'I am sworn to serve you' yet when I need you to carry something, or I need to upgrade your armor, I get this? Really? Like death is okay, but holding this sword for me is not.
DeleteI finally got rid of her, and got a cute guy that is super chill about carrying my unnecessary crap all over Skyrim.