Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Time traveling space hookers.

So last night I had a dream about time traveling space hookers.

I'll let that sink in for a moment.

Here, as unedited as I can make it, is my dream: 

Everything is dark in space, the stars are glowing brightly in the sky when all of sudden a wily group of time traveling space hookers lands on a planet/goes back in time to a medieval era. The locals are very surprised about this naturally, and give the girls corsets and dresses to wear. 

Somehow it is decided that these girls should come to court and talk to the gentry. The girls complain about how tight the corsets are. They also spend a considerable amount of time trying to explain what the words fuck and cunt mean. The locals are not impressed.

The dream sort of glossed over this bit, but I'm assuming they were kicked out of court for various reasons, because the next scene is them traveling along with a white knight. He is, in the manner of knights everywhere quite chivalrous and pledges his undying love for the brunet space hooker. He tells her that it is the fashion for all good women with the love of a knight to wear dragon feathers in there bodice. 

Alrighty then. 

He goes off and they all wait expectantly. They are gonna see goddamn dragon. This is gonna be sweet. However after a while, he returns carrying what looks like miniature pink version of Falcor. I mean seriously this dragon was smaller then a golden retriever. It was Technicolor though, so theres that. 

“That's it?” 

“Yes my lady. I have defeated this dragon so that I might gift upon you these feathers. ” 

“I thought it was going to be bigger.” 

Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to see this, the group is attacked by an evil sex resort* owner who kidnaps the space hookers. They are taken to his sex resort castle high up the mountains. The castle itself is made out what looks like imported tan sandstone. Inside it has white carpeting and resembles a cross between a hotel lobby and a furnished basement. The space hookers are herded inside and showed to the bar. Curiously my brain did not feel like inventing space alcohol for them, so the girls just had some beers. 

Then they are introduced to a group of guys who are going to take them for a 'test drive.' I would like to take this moment to point out that this is not going to turn into a bad porno form the seventies. No one except the girls is still wearing period dress, most of the men are dressed like they manage a Brookstone store at the mall. 

The girls were each split off with a guy, and we followed the brunet. She is reluctant to have sex until they work out a payment plan, and they are constantly interrupted by the owner of said sex resort who is trying to get them to take tequila shots. At this point in the dream I remember really wanting to laugh. I am not sure how that works in a third person dream, but I felt like it would probably be disconcerting for everyone involved if a disembodied voice started laughing during your rate negotiation.

He didn't seem to understand her payment plan very well, and somehow ends up thinking that her problem is that he wasn't going to use protection. After a few awkward moments of fumbling he triumphantly pulls a condom out of his back pocket. I'm not even sure why this planet/time/whatever has tequila and condoms, but lets just roll with it. Sick of arguing with him, the brunet space hooker agrees to blow him, and I'm treated to a crappy blow job montage where she gets lipstick on his rather small penis.**
The next bit is a bit hazy, possibly because we are all drunk on dream/space tequila. Somehow the brunet space hooker escapes are tries to climb out of the mountains to safety, but is intercepted by the sex resorts flock of giant golden eagles. I am treated to the dreams greatest image to date of the giant golden eagle, with the sunset lighting up it's wings, landing on the rock spire in front of the space hooker while the sun turns the snow around them gold and red. It was fucking awesome. 

Then I woke up because the dog needed to go out and I have to get up so we can finish the foundation walls on the new chicken coup. Such is life. 
*I don't know if sex resorts are a real thing, but they should be.
**I kinda lied about the porno thing.

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