Friday, October 7, 2011

I am not good at things.

Life keeps demanding I do things. Things I am terrible at.

I have to order gravel today. Actually I tried to order gravel yesterday, but the gravel guy wasn't in. So he is supposed to give me a call back. I hate that. Anyway, I don't know how to order gravel. The lady in the store at the to her end of the line was- god save her- trying to help me. This is pretty much how our conversation went. I am not good with these things.

NANCY: “How much do you need?”
ME: “Um, I dunno. Like, a big truck, a really big truck.”

NANCY: “Okay, well the truck holds six tons. Is that how much you need?”

ME: “ Um, sure. How much does six tons of gravel cost?”

NANCY: “That depends on the type, what type do you need?”

ME: “I need to pour a small cement slab, and then use the left overs on the driveway.”

NANCY: “I don't know what kind that is, you'll have to talk to our gravel guy.”

First of all, I didn't know that builder supply places had gravel guy. Second, I am utterly incompetent when it comes to measuring distance or quantity by eye. Quantity is the worst though. I have no idea how men, who could have never even seen six tons of gravel before in their lives, can tell exactly how much they need to do a driveway. How in the hell do they do that?

These are the questions that keep me up at night people.

I like to be thought of as competent, but I'm not sure how people go about doing that. The little things always seem to trip me up. Like the time the ATM ate my debit card because I put it in while the advertisements between customers were still up. You know, when the guy in front of you leaves and then you step forward but the ATM is thinking or some shit so it runs ads for the bank you are already banking with because that makes sense. So I ram my card into the machine and it eats it. Apparently, even though the ATM is sitting idle, looking innocent, you are not supposed to use it until the little welcome screen pops up. How the fuck was I supposed to know that? It's not like there are warning labels on those things.

Is there a class I missed at college for this shit?

I feel like there was a class, or a pamphlet I missed out on that explained all this, like how to order gravel, and how not to confuse a ATM, or how to make small talk with delivery people so you don't feel awkward about the transaction, or how to make out a check while you are standing in your yard with out looking like an idiot.

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