Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I Hate Strange Showers

I feel the need to write this post because when I was trying to explain this to my coworker he was giving me this look like I was crazy. I hate using a strange shower, because I never know how the goddamn thing is supposed to work. Okay, okay I know that standard set up, two knobs, pull tab, and you’re in business. Except where the hell did all these weird ass shower designs come from? Like those handles that you have to turn sideways. The more you turn them, the more water pressure you get, but it’s actually a cruel trap, because the more you turn them the colder the water gets. So in effect you have two choices, you can have nice warm/hot water, or you can have water pressure, but you can’t have both because life is unfair and painful cold. 
The worst is what I call the mystery shower, or at least that’s what I call it in my own mind where no one can judge me for it. Shut up. Anyway the mystery show is as follows: any shower with an unfamiliar set up of knobs and levers.

I swear to Buddha, I am not making this up, although in my defense I was very sleep deprived. I was just happy to have reached the point in the day where I could take a goddamn shower. I get naked, obtain a hotel towel that smells like bleach and go switch on the shower. This diabolical fiend was a single knob with no instructions what so ever. Well I had a shower like this when I was a kid, I got this no problem. I pull the knob out and water comes pouring out into the tub. It takes me awhile to get the water hot, because this hotel’s water heaters seem to be taking fucking forever to make any progress and when you’re not entirely sure which is hot and which is cold, well it’s an adventure. I have also noticed a lot of showers at hotels are actually plumbed in backward for reasons I don’t understand but probably have to do with the fact they hired the plumber off craigslist.

Finally! Hot fucking water! Holy crap! I go to turn the shower on and realize there is no other lever. No button. Nothing. How in the fuck do you turn the shower on? 
I spend a few moments watching my hard won hot water pouring down the drain, and then another few wishing Scott would get in so I could ask him. I should also point out that having to ask him how the shower works is not abnormal in our marriage and I think he’s used to it by now. Any who, here I am starting at something that shouldn’t be happening if there was a fair and righteous god, and I get pissed. God damn I went to motherfucking college and got good grades and by god no cheap ass motel shower is going to stop me from being clean. I seize the knob and give it great yank to the left and to my surprise it pulls out even more and the shower comes on. VICTORY! 
I just realized that I probably should not be telling the whole Internet that I have trouble with unfamiliar shower designs, but I’m rather curious. Does anyone else have this problem? I am just crazy. Crazier than normal, I mean. I dunno. God damned showers are stealing my god damn dignity. Fuckers.

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