An open letter to people and
organizations that are still mailing things to my deceased parent.
Why yes, my dead father would love a
free trunk organizer. I could put his ashes in it and drive him
around in the back seat while I do my shopping. That would be a
totally sane thing to do. Oh and I'm sure he would love a pool
cleaning robot for the pool that he didn't own too. While were at it,
I'm sure he would to resubscribe to your organization in exchange for
some free stickers, although I'm not sure about the appropriateness
of placing an 'I love the NRA' bumper sticker on his urn.
While we are on the subject I'm sure
he would love to support you, politician that won't stop calling and
or mailing things. I am sure he would just love to vote for you in
the up and coming election, but unfortunately I believe that West
Virgina has laws against that sort of thing. Unless the political
figure in question is also dead, in which I think that this is okay.
I'm not very sure though, you might want to check your local laws on
the subject. I just don't keep up with these things seeing as though
I am, last time I checked, still living.
Also I think that my father would be
very insulted by your offer of a 'free' hover round mobility scooter.
Plus, I am fairly sure that he will not be needing to 'talk to his
doctor about the increased risk of stroke or heart attack' anytime
soon. I am fairly sure that he will, in fact, never need to see a
doctor again. Nor will he ever need to get a 'discount MRI'. I am
also vaguely appalled by your implied suggestion that he would, if
given the chance, use a discount MRI service.
You have yet to mail him anything he
could actually use, such as a knitted urn sweater, (for those cold
nights) a pedestal, or perhaps some googly urn eyes. So far I am
disappointed in your wild presumptions about my beloved father. I can
only hope that things will improve from this point out, and we can
all get on with our respective lives (or deaths).
Sincerely,
Queen Holly the Magnificent
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