Tuesday, May 21, 2013

How to Make Chocolate Covered Strawberries in 11 Easy Steps.


1.Chocolate baking squares and only one square of the chocolate you are supposed to dip fruit in because it's that microwaveable kind that won't burn but you don't have any more because you are lazy.

2. Strawberries.

You Will Need:

1. A plate. No two plates.

2. Something to melt the chocolate in. I used a glass measuring cup. Must be microwave safe.

3. A fork.

Step 1: Take your chocolate and put it in the measuring cup. Just eyeball the amount you will need because measuring things is for suckers. Get your significant other, roommate or friend to heat up and stir the chocolate for you because every time you have done it, the chocolate burned in the microwave and the house smelled like ass for most of the day.

Step 2: Spear your strawberries on your fork and dip them in the chocolate, trying to get that cool artful look to your food. Have strawberry slide off fork and become mired in the chocolate. Call it a whore. Pretend you are establishing dominance over the strawberry. Pull out something that looks like a dog turd with leaves sticking out of it. Place carefully onto plate.

Step 3: Find a giant lump of unmelted chocolate. Try to work around it. Try to get the hang of dipping. Give up on using fork, use fingers instead. Get chocolate all over fingers and every other utensil you are using. Find out that look of strawberries does not improve despite new method. Go back to using the fork. Lose another strawberry to the chocolate. Call the chocolate a bastard. Pretend you are establishing dominance over the chocolate.

Step 4: Realize that you failed to put down wax paper and now you have just glued a bunch of strawberries to the plate. Realize you don't own any wax paper. Eat chocolate off fingers. Feel better about self.

Step 5: Drop a strawberry onto the counter and or cutting board. Try to catch it. Fail miserably. Get chocolate on shirt. Try to suck it off. Realize that sounds dirty. Get out second plate because there are way more strawberries in this damn box then you thought. Get chocolate all over the cabinet in the process.

Step 6: Reheat chocolate to get rid of the solid unheated lump. Dip rest of strawberries with fingers you haven't washed because fuck it. Find out the hard way that chocolate just out of the microwave is hot as shit. Dance around the kitchen like a loony. Run fingers under a cold tap.

Step 7: Eat the last fucking strawberry. Realize that you have made too much chocolate. Way too much. Start to look for things to dip into it. Tell yourself that you are saving the earth by not throwing it away. Dip cookies in melted chocolate. Have a moment of pure sweet bliss.

Step 8: Run out of cookies. Start eating chocolate off your finger. Be unable to get all the way to the bottom of the cup with above method. Throw dignity to the winds and stick your whole hand in the damn measuring cup. Lick chocolate off fingers.

Step 9: Look up to realize that significant other/roommate/friend is watching. Come to conclusion that you have chocolate all over you. Especially your face. Tell them that they do not get to judge you. Watch them judge you. Eat rest of chocolate anyway.

Step 10: Find space in refrigerator for both plates of chocolates. Drop cheese on your own foot. Shove all the condiments into the door and then wedge it shut. Debate throwing out all that healthy food you bought to get the second plate in. Feel kinda bad about direction life has taken you. Eat another strawberry. Have chocolate flake off and fall on the floor. Prevent dog from eating fallen chocolate.

Step 11: Wait for chocolate to cool completely and make decision these are too ugly to be shared. Enjoy.


  1. Yup. That pretty much sums up making chocolate dipped strawberries at home. I am fairly certain that the ones you buy in the store are made by magic or tiny strawberry fairies using magic.

  2. If you had a whip, I'm sure both the berries and the chocolate would submit.

    I can see it now - The Food Dominatrix - coming soon to the Food Network.

  3. Pretty much every time I make an attempt at cooking, the house ends up smelling like ass. I can do that in one step!

  4. The best instructions are the kind that take into account that people are generally not martha stewart clones. I'm with Ken, I don't do much with food that doesn't end in the whole house stinking like ass. That's what the Mister is for.

  5. Hahahahahahaha. That's exactly how I cook no matter what the recipe!!! So glad I'm not alone. You are my people.