Sunday, June 30, 2013

My Cat is Sick and the Car is Dead.

Today, my friends, my most beloved readers, was a terrible, horrible, awful, no good, super fucked up day. So hold on to your butts, because this is going to suck on a level that may not even by scientifically possible. (See Holly's Law of Negativity.)

First off I awoke with the intention of working more on that hay storage shed that I needed only to discover that it was pouring down rain. Which I probably would have known in advance, except my Internet has been cutting in and out because ha ha why not? So anyway I get up and feed all the ungrateful hungry mouths, and then I am petting my cat Emoticon and she looks up and me and then I get one of those chills where it feels like giant spiders are crawling all up and down your spine cause not one but both of her eyes are fucked the shit up.

To explain further, she had always had problems with her right eye being cloudy, but now the whatever the fuck it was had spread to both eyes. So I grabbed the phone and called the vet and told them I was freaked out.

They gave me an appointment at 2:30.

So when I walk back inside to tell Scott, I find him in the middle of freaking out because last night he discovered that the drivers side front tire hub was hot and that probably meant that the wheel bearing was about to blow and KILL US ALL. Which meant that we had to pull the tire off and look at it.

In the rain.

When we had to be at the vets in four hours.

Luckily I had purchased one of those gazebo tent things at a discount store, with the intention of using it to shade me when I did jobs in direct sun because I am part vampire somehow. Except now we were huddled under it while rain dripped off the side onto our legs and butts. So we pulled the tire off, found out the caliper was super tight, beat it off with a sledge hammer, discussed the money this was going to cost, and then tried to remove the piece holding on the wheel bearing thingamajig. Which of course didn't come off. So we tried everything. Then we found that it was being held in place with some sort of clip thing inside of it. So we got some hammers and some pointy things and tried to remove it. Of course nothing seemed to be quite right, so we crammed a screw driver in there and proceed to break the tip off INSIDE the fucking thing.

Then we went inside to discover that it was a Dealer Only Serviceable Part.

Which was pretty much never going to happen. Which meant that we were going to have to go look for another car. In the truck, with the cat, in the rain. You know, the truck where the headlights may or may not work? The truck that we had to unload because it was filled with all the lumber for my hay storage shed?

That truck.

So we unloaded the truck, in the rain and take the cat on down to the vet. So we get to the vets and I bring Emoticon on in and then the vet has a look at her and then puts dye in her eyeballs so she looks like a motherfucking were-cat and then tells me that it looks like she has a somethingorother and if we don't stop the whateverhejustsaid that they could rupture and then in those cases they usually remove the eye.

Cue that record scratching noise.

I need to explain something here. I need to explain that eyeball stuff freaks me out. Like a lot. Like remember that scene from Minority Report where Tom Cruise had to chase his own eyes down the hallway? I can't watch that. I don't want to ever think about that ever. I almost died when my friend talked about his laser eye surgery. I feel like barfing right now. It. Freaks. Me. The. Fuck. Out.

So when I came back to planet earth I managed to say calmly that I wasn't very skilled at giving eye drops. Mr. Vet Man said he would take some blood and be back in a minute.

It was the longest minute ever.

I held Emoticon and I kept telling her everything was gonna be okay. I don't think she bought it though because I am fairly sure that I was saying it in the way most people would if they could see the nuclear bomb going off on the horizon.

So the vet came back in and the first words out of his mouth were “you are not going to like this.” Now let me tell you something straight up, when vets say that, they mean it. Because he then proceeded to tell me that I was going to have to give Emoticon three separate eye drops. Two every morning and evening and then one more every six hours.


Ha ha ha every six hours. Haaaa haaaa haaaaaa. Every six hours. Ha haa haaaa haaaaahhh. Six hours. Hah hah. Which means that Emoticon was going to be living in Jack's dog crate for the next week. Which meant that I am going to get a crash course in staring into my cats diseased eyeballs and filling them with various liquids.


Ahem. Anyway. If this isn't love I don't know what is.

So after that we drove around to various used car lots where each one was shadier then the last before giving up and going home where I made a nest for Emoticon in the dog crate. Then of course I had to do home things like getting the eggs and resetting mouse traps, and then we planted tomatoes and raspberry's and weeded the garden a little and at some point we had dinner and I did the dishes and locked up the chickens and then we wrestled all three nightly medications into her eyeballs while she purred and it broke my heart because why does she have to love me so much when I am doing unpleasant things to her?

Sometimes, it's the little things that will break your heart.

Or your car


  1. I had to take one of our cows to the vet the other day, (my wifes favorite, tame, scratch her ears, cow) to get one of her eyeballs looked at. Turns out it's a cancer thing and they can't even cut the damned thing out. So, he suggested getting her ground up for hamburger. BUT, since it's a cow my wife picked as a calf and has been pretty much a part of our cowy life for the last dozen years or so, that's probably not going to happen. So that's my eyeball dilemma. I'd do the drops in a second if I could.

    1. Well I hope that doesn't happen to my cat. I mean cat hamburger would just taste awful.

  2. I have an eyeball story too - but I won't share it because it involves me, a dental pick and an specialist saying "DON'T MOVE YOUR EYE WHILE I POINT MY LASER IN IT."

    People do amazing things for the ones we love (four legged or otherwise). The fact she let you do it means she needs it, understand she needs it and loves you because she understands you're bat poop crazy in hate with doing it.

    Australia is overrated and hot, Alexander wouldn't have liked it there anyway. :) Hope she feels better soon.

  3. Oh, I am so sorry. Cat eyedrops are not fun. I hope she gets better soon.

  4. Oi, good luck with the kitty eye drops. We're in the middle of some ear-drops over here, but i have the good fortune that it DEFINITELY makes the pup feel better, so she sits pretty still for the whole thing.