Sunday, September 8, 2013

Clearing the Septic Site.

So in our ongoing quest to get septic installed THIS year before the snow shows up and fucks us all we decided we should, you know, clear the tank site before the septic guys show up. Also because this is a class two system we can't have a drain field so we had to clear a line to the creek for the discharge pipe.

Which was an adventure.

First off my body was all like, I'm hungry and I was like okay. And then I ate a sandwich and then my body was all like, WTF why did you feed me I hate you blllllaarrrrggghhh. And then I was all like, really stomach? And it was all like really. So I just drank caffeine and gave it the finger and then we grabbed the chainsaw and some clippers and an axe and then we went outside to do some fucking damage.


Now I have to explain that our woods looks like it has never been cleared. If you are wondering what exactly the difference between a cleared forest and a non-cleared forest looks like I'll tell you. A cleared forest looks like every pretty forest wallpaper you can download for your desktop. It looks like every fantasy forest ever conceived by man. It is the one with the great huge trees devoid of underbrush where all you can see between the trees is the dark bare earth from under a perfect layer of leaves that looks like someone was paid to rake it.

An uncleared forest looks like someones raw vacation footage of the jungle.

I know what you're thinking. It can't be that hard. I mean, all those movies, surely they didn't go and rake every bit of forest for all those shots, did they?

Yes. Yes they did. Narnia was made by putting freaking potted ferns on the forest floor, Lord of the Rings built fake trees, and Where the Wild Things Are was actually shot in a burned out forest because it was clear of undergrowth.

Those forest are lies is what I am saying.

Filthy filthy lies.

So guess which one my woods looks like? (Hint I haven't bought like, a thousand potted ferns.)

So Scott took the chain saw to every tree that was under like seven inches thick and I thought that things were going pretty well until I got close enough to see that these were the spiky trees of doom that hated our fucking guts. I would cut a limb off and then be all like, pffft I can carry more then one I'm not a fucking pussy which is how I got cut the shit up. Cause of course the spikes would lock the damn branches together like Satan's velcro and then I would go to drag them to the pile we were making that I had named Fire Danger #1 and Scott had named Free Hunting Blind and then the branches would snap free from whatever they were hooked on and cut me up or rip my hat off and fling it into the woods.

Basically it was like being challenged to a duel by a very pissed off Ent.

But finally we got the branches clear and then began looking at the tree trunks and decided which ones we should keep for that house thing we are building and then we went to cut up the sections we wanted and then the fucking chainsaw died.

So then we flipped it off and cut the motherfucking tree trucks apart with a hand saw and an axe like sweaty pissed off bad asses.

Then we cleared a bit more of the forest because it looks damn fine when you clean it up a little and we were like, right there, and we had to call it a day and then we went back inside and ate the bland pasta with cheese and garden tomatoes of poverty victory like the tree slaying champions we were.

So now I am dead tired and I look like I fell into a sarlacc pit before they went all CGI and added a beak to that motherfucker, but whatever I won.

And that's the important thing.

Well that and the lack of sarlaccs around these parts.


  1. Satan's velcro! You paint pictures with words, Holly, absolutely amazing word pictures.

  2. Awesome! Way to beat the Sarlacc!
    Wear those scars of the cutting blades of the forest with pride!