The Solar Kiln, Putting it all Together.

So this morning I woke up feeling like I had been working from 7am until 10pm every day. Which coincidentally I had. So I drug myself outside to feed the ungrateful hungry mouths and take the dog out so I could watch him sniff the same clump of grass for like, five minutes before I went into the house and latched onto the tea maker like some sort of remora.

A caffeine remora.

Once I felt like a person again we gathered our shit together and trooped on outside to put this damn thing together. At first it went pretty well. We took the back and the top, which I was calling the roof piece and hinged them together by laying them down on the sawhorses we had made and getting all crazy with it. Other then having to allow for some warping on the frames themselves, it was pretty easy.

Then we took the back with the top still folded all neatly in and I held it up while Scott hinged it to a board which he then bolted to the deck. So basically I just stood there and held the thing upright and thought about lunch while he did most of the work. Which of course left me totally unprepared for round two, putting the big front door on. Because this whole thing hinges together. So when you take the back, which pivots, and the top which pivots, and try to hold them at the correct angle for the front attachment by yourself with no end cap pieces on, everything goes straight down the pooper.

For one thing, plastic on plastic is slippery as shit. And of course we hadn't thought to, you know, maybe, put a stop on the front to keep the plastic door piece from just sliding off the front like the worlds worst carpentry based Slip N Slide. So I had to stand in front of the whole thing, keeping the front piece in place with my knees, which by the way were super happy about that, while holding the angle on the side with my hands, while the plastic slid everywhere and I pictured setting fire to the whole world with my mind.

So then we had to do a complicated dance because Scott needed to get where I was and I had to move which meant that I had to control everything by only holding the damn thing at one end and that was how I ended up injuring my shoulder bursting into tears, and then yelling about how I couldn't hold this thing anymore and Scott ran around slapping temporary bracing on the fucking thing until I could let go of it. Then I went inside and sobbed into a cup of shitty black tea from the Walmart while Scott looked stricken and tried to come up with a way to avoid this problem the next time.

He did not like my suggestion of burning it to the fucking ground.

 Burn it. Burn it all.

Now however, we could see the angles and could cut the end pieces out so that, you know, it would finally have some support that didn't involve my right arm. Then we made the end pieces and the bracing for the center, and slapped a coat of paint on those motherfuckers so that when we came back the next day all we had to do was bolt that bitch together and call it good.

 This thing had better fucking work.

 So after tweaking a few things, and obviously attaching the last front door we were all like yay we can move it now! And then it rained like a mofo. Because life that's why. So there are still a few things we will need to do on site, like attach the end doors, and replace a few bolts and argue about where to put it, but other then that it's good to go. It will probably be set up and ready you know, a week before we have to take it down, but whatever. Let's roll with them punches.

The plastic shoulder punches.

Building the Solar Kiln.

So today in a fit of can do spirit we started on the solar kiln. Scott drew up two plans, and then we argued over the merits of each one and then we picked the one that looked the most complicated to build because of course we did. Then Scott went to town to pick up the plywood we would need and some cat food because there would be no way to build this without Tom Tom Tiger trying to sleep on it and then I took the dog for a walk and then Scott got back and then we got the plans and got started.

First we built the floor and then the floor support thingamajigs and then there was a whole lot of cutting old boards from the barn into the right thickness. Of course the plan mostly existed in Scott's head, with a token out of perspective drawing propped up on the front of the blazer that doesn't run right now because this is the country and we have to have at least one vehicle that doesn't work.

So for me I spent a lot of time measuring old barn boards and bringing them up and then we put things together that I had no idea what they were other then rectangles because Scott was the undisputed leader and I can tell you right now that is possible to mark, measure and screw together boards without the slightest idea what you are putting together.

Eventually though to begin to make sense.

The final structure will be a trapezoid, with one long angled wall that will lift up to allow us to load it with logs. Also there will need to some sort of rack or something that keeps the logs from touching because air flow or log cooties or some shit. I dunno this is Scott's brain child because my plan of coating the logs in preserver was a big fat fucking failure.

Whatever, I am over that now. Here have a picture:

So these will make a trapezoid. Somehow. Possibly with magic. And I am sure this will all make sense in the next post. Or maybe it won't and the whole thing will catch on fire and we will agree never to speak of this again. 

Whichever.

So we built the main walls and then realized that we were missing key bits like hinges and adhesive and the energy left to give a damn so we quit for the day and just hoped that we didn't have to go anywhere in a hurry because without really intending to we had blocked in our car with carpentry.

It happens.

Anyway now all that's left is to build the end pieces and the fiddly shit and then we, uh, do whatever else that needs to happen that I don't know about because this is all in Scott's brain and I can't read minds.

Well I can't really read minds. We have been married long enough I can kinda do it, but mostly I end up reading shit like “This person is weirding me out right now please save me or call my phone or text me or something” and “I hope that movie I bought is good and I am fantasizing about what I want it to be right now instead of what I am supposed to be doing” and “I think what you are doing is stupid but I don't want to hurt your feelings so I am going to try not to involve myself or say anything” and “I am thinking through this problem and the solution is evading me because it's a dick like that” and “I just woke up what are you talking about/what's going on/it's too early for information” and “wow I am like super bored right now” and “I'm hungry but I don't know what I want to eat -are you eating anything good right now? But I can't look too interested because then you will think I am judging you and you will think you are fat even though you are not fat because we just like shoveled a shit ton of gravel around.”

Unfortunately I can't read building plans out of his head. Or anybodies head. Or even if I could that would suck because it would be, like the worst kind of super power ever and I don't think that it would stop any crimes. I don't even think that I could use it to be a super villain because I am pretty sure that architecture spying isn't even a real thing. Even though I kinda wish it was because then The Fountainhead would have been like a million times better and probably contained less rape.

And also more super villains. Architecture super villains.

Also I forgot what we were talking about. Oh right the solar kiln. We are building one. And it's not even evil.

That I know of.

For all I know it could be plotting against us right now.

Probably not though.

I haven't detected that “I'm making this structure into a living embodiment of pure evil” vibe from Scott yet. Stick around though because we are not done and we might end up dousing this thing in holy water while yelling about the spirit of Christ.

What?

It could happen.

Drying the Logs and a Solar Kiln.

So the latest news in our saga of getting logs for the house involves some mold. Namely that we live in a goddamned swamp and almost and all of the logs I had debarked were molding. So then we sprayed them with bleach, which promptly made them look like ass. So then we sanded and scraped the dead mold super bleached layers off and treated the logs with a sealer.

And they kept on molding.

 Pictured: failure.

 So then I freaked out a little bit because these fuckers are going to have to last for like, years until we can put them in the damn house where they belong. Of course at this point I felt like I was out of options because I had never thought to buy a book about building with logs because I was making a stone house and it would have never occurred to me before now that the more logs we cut down and drag out of the forest the less money we will have to spend on lumber. Even though books about log cabins probably would not have helped me anyways because they assume you are buying already treated and dried lumber because all of those are written for people with money and shit. And it's also a moot point because we just poured like 400$ into the driveway because nature and culvert pipes can be real assholes.

So then Scott stepped up to the plate, using things like the WV agriculture extension office and pointed out that what we really needed was a kiln for drying lumber. And I pointed out that we were, like poor. And then he pointed out that we could build a solar kiln. And then I was all like YES! The sun is good and free!

The only problem was that most the plans called for fancy things like, not starting this project this late in the season and it might need fans and floor drains and junk. So we argued and made plans to skip building it this season and wrap the logs individually like they were cigars in the most ghetto attempt ever to stop the demon mold. Of course at this juncture Scott pointed out that we only had light blue heavy plastic to wrap them in and I pointed out that this was just like baking and I didn't think we could substitute that many ingredients and steps and still come out with a dried mold free log. Since at that point I think this whole plan would have been more like trying to make bread by taking powered sugar and mixing it with lard and then hitting it with a rolling pin and putting it in the sun and expecting a nice sour dough.

So after coming to our senses we then went to price heavy duty black plastic and I had I minor cardiac event and then we were like maybe we should not waste any of this and just go ahead and make the whole damn kiln. Of course this also means that we have to make it storeable because expecting it and its plastic covered surfaces to survive the winter would be like expecting one of those hairless cats to survive just fine outside on your vacation to the north pole for Christmas.

It ain't gonna make it, is what I am saying.

So stay tuned for our exciting adventure building a solar kiln and swearing and getting splinters and me getting more sawdust down my chest and having my living room invaded by battery chargers and sandpaper and screws and bolts and tape measures and gloves because my living room clearly = shed.

Not that I am bitter or anything.

And normally I would say something about how mobile homes suck and we are going to be building that house except that is exactly what we are trying to do right now and somehow that still seems kinda remote even though it shouldn't but whatever because life is complicated like that.

You know what else is complicated?

Solar kilns.

Solar kilns and life, man.

Solar kilns and life.