Filling the Kitchen With Poison, a Retrospective

So my attempt to murder the ants was apparently not effective. So just as an FYI Ortho Home Defense Max is piece of shit. Anyway, we decided the best course of action was to go buy more poison. Better poison. Stronger poison. Because if it didn't work the first time, it's sure to work the second!

So Scott sprayed the outside of the mobile home again.

And there were still ants.

Which could mean only one thing.

That these are obviously super Nazi Ants the result of years and years of careful ant breeding programs designed to make the ant master race. This means there is only one course of action left, we have to kill the queen. There are several options to do this.

1. We could attempt to locate the nest and pour poison down it.

2. We could set out even more bait traps.

3. We could train a small but deadly force of assassin ants to go on a covert mission to the ant hill and kill the queen. They would be armed with tiny knifes, their wits, and some Rambo sweat/head band things. I would also arm each with a small about of poison bait as a suicide pill in case they were captured.

4. We could go on a brutal blitzkrieg campaign, fire bombing most of soil around the trailer in an attempt to dishearten the ant populace until they give up the assault on my kitchen.

Really though, I think there's only one real solution here. So, does anybody know where I can get ant sized assault rifles?

This is gonna be sweet.

Some Thoughts on Murdering the Guineas.

Let me tell you something straight up, right now. Defeathering sucks ass, but not as bad as I thought it would. Another think I have to point out, you know how in Kill Bill when they slice off people's heads and blood comes out in a geyser and I always that the was awesome but stupid and it would never work that way in real life?

It does. That is exactly what happens.

I do not want to go into to much detail about our day yesterday, so I will leave you with these quotes. I think they sum it up pretty well.

“DON'T AIM THAT AT ME!”

“No, you are not allowed to Google 'getting blood stains off of clothing' do you want to end up on a watch list!?”

“You had better wash the blood off your face before going to the store.”

“Dude I look like a character from my video game!”

“These wing feathers hate me Scott. They motherfucking hate us all.”

“What the hell are we going to tell your mom when she asks how the guineas are doing?” “Well I don't think saying they were wonderful is going to cut it?”

“This is what happens when people just give us animals. *pause* You know, I think I'll just relate this story the next time one of our coworkers tries to give us a dog because we 'live on a farm'”

“Don't interrupt my nerd rant. Fine have it your way we'll just sit in silence while doing this boring repetitive task.”

And that was that. I think the really important thing here is that we learned a lot. Mainly we learned that saying this process is messy is like saying the titanic was a little ship. Trash bags became my friend that day.

BFFs for life trash bags!

BFFs For Life.

Mold Is Trying To Murder Me.

I found in mold in both my closets. Leading me to a massive throwing out of stuff.

I have no idea what to do about that. Hardest hit were all the things I can't just throw in the washer, like my wedding dress, and Halloween costumes, and my art portfolio.

I don't really know how to fix this problem. I'm going to move some stuff over to the other mobile home, but I know that has had mold problems in the past too. The only thing I can think to do is put everything into plastic bins in the new trailer make sure that there is a good gap between the bins and the walls in order to maintain air flow. Air out the clothes in the cold winter air, and then use a good home dry cleaning kit.

This winter has been unusually warm and wet, and I think that was the problem. We would normally be running the wood stove by now, and the hot dry air would kill off the mold, but this year, it's been so warm we have hardly even needed the oil furnace.

So here we are.

I want to start taking stuff over and organizing it, but the problem is that in order to put things into the new closet, I have to take a whole bunch of crap out of the new closet. You know, the crap I was planning on storing in this mobile home. That I can't move over here until I've removed things like, you know, my desk. It's a closed loop system here people.

Also, I'm not sure how crazy I should be getting with this? Should I bleach every container before taking it over? As far as I know these mold spores are everywhere anyways, that's why shit in the fridge will mold when it goes bad. Should I bleach everything? The Internet makes it sound like this is some sort of mold apocalypse where I have to put up plastic sheeting and wear a respirator and drown things in a mountain of bleach and sprinkle baking soda everywhere and then vacuum like there is no god damned tomorrow and possibly burn the vacuum afterwards.

Scott's solution was to make me fudge, possibly to make up for he fact that he had no idea what to do, and also that none of his things got destroyed. Mmmm fudge. Fudge makes everything better.

I guess my day is going to be comprised of washing things and eating fudge and bleaching stuff.

Fun. Fuck. Fudge?