Sunday, June 3, 2012

A Chipper Shredingly Good Time.

Do you remember my battle with the terrible invasive species? And how I piled up their desecrated limbs to be chipper shredded at some point in the future?

That day had finally come. From this experience I have learned several things. One, the chipper shredder will not work on a non level surface. How much of this place is not level you ask? All of it. Number two, multiflora rose, even dead, still wants to cut a bitch, hardcore. And three, bush honeysuckle and multiflora rose make mulch that smells like the perfume of angels.

Which I got to enjoy for approximately one minute before my sinuses were made aware of the situation.

The rest of the day was spent sneezing and coughing and snerking.

Also, have you ever sneezed with hearing protection in? Like the kind that come on the little strings that you you shove painfully into each ear that make you really, really hyper aware of every time you smile? Yeah, well I wouldn't recommend it.

We had a plan. We were ready. And life just showed up and smacked us around for a bit. First off, it became apparent that my dad had never changed the oil in this damn thing. What was left in it was the consistency of black tar. So we drained it and added fresh, along with refilling the gas tank and giving it a general tune up. Test started it, and it ran like a dream.

So we picked up the end and pulled it across the front lawn to the first pile of dead branches. It was at this point we realized, all over again, how much multiflora rose hates us.* We also discovered that the collection bag did not like staying on, and how no matter how tight we made it, it would still gape open at the top and spew mulch out like a bulimic herbivore going through a bad break up.

But beyond that, things actually went kinda well.

Except for the fact that we couldn't find another level spot in the entire top third of our property except in the garden.** Which meant that I had to haul all the dead, and most often spiky branches from all over the meadows. And we also discovered that three huge piles of branches make three tiny piles of mulch.

Like seriously WTF? Is there some sort of worm hole in that thing?

Two branches enter one branch leaves***.

Anywho, at least I got even with that evil demon bitch multiflora rose.

Sonofabitchass plant.

*I cannot possible stress this enough. If anyone you know is planting this shit, please for the love of all that is good and holy talk them out of it. Or kill them. Either one.

**No wood mulch is not good for gardens necessarily, but we wanted something to edge it with to keep the weeds down.

*** If you get this joke I will high five you over the internet. Also, leaf pun FTW!


  1. Smells like the perfume of the angels? Awesome! Nice pun, too. I don't know how you find the humor in painful and difficult, but somehow you do. That's fabulous.

    1. There is nothing quite like being pessimistic to the point of funny, that's for sure. It helps me cope with life.

  2. Love your passion and fire on the subject lol:

    "If anyone you know is planting this shit, please for the love of all that is good and holy talk them out of it. Or kill them. Either one."

  3. I've never actually run a wood chipper. Once again, you leave me in awe!

    Two branches enter one branch leaves.

    From Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome PLUS what does a branch do but leaf, or make leaves! If you did this on purpose, you are not only magnificent, but awesome as hell! :)

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  5. Great mulching adventures! I would like that high five now....