Friday, August 24, 2012

Fixing the Truck.

A while ago we discovered that the headlights on the truck had stopped working. And by discovered, I mean, we left somewhere at dusk and the dark was a whole lot darker then it should have been. So we did what we always do, we poked around the truck until we found what was wrong.

In short, everything.

The previous owner was a young teenage boy. He had, in his infinite wisdom, redone some of the wiring so that he could put in a killer sound system. Did I say some of the wiring? I meant all of it. Let me put it this way, the instrument panel lights were LEDs zip tied to the dash and wired into who knows what, only one thing of the three things that runs to the ground was plugged in, and every time the parking break was set the oil gauge went to zero.

After much mucking about with switches and wires, we came to a conclusion. We were going to have replace the entire dash. Which was going to cost us a lot of money.

But we were in luck. While complaining about our miserable luck to my family, it turns out my uncle has an older truck of near the same make sitting a fucking field somewhere that we were welcome to come rob for parts. Presumably because he loves me. Or maybe he just wanted to see the looks on our faces as we struggled to remove a dash from a car that was filled with dead mice and pine needles.

Either way.

The next day, full of optimism and hope, we loaded up out tools and a camera and drove over to his house. We found the truck sitting in a grassy patch along with about, oh four other vehicles. It was old, rusted and blue and very intent on keeping all it's parts in it thank you very much. So the three of us stayed and fought the dash out of truck. We pulled out all the instruments and components that our truck was lacking. As we were putting our hard won prize in the car my uncle asked if we wanted the wring harness too.

For those of you that don't know, the wiring harness is like the wiring in the walls of your house. It's the bunch of wires and plugs that everything on the dash that you need to work plugs into. So the lamps and TV's and junk in your house is like the dash, and the walls wiring is like the wiring harness.

It's pretty much just as difficult to remove.

So we said no we don't need that, got home and discovered that yes, we did need that.

Let me put it this way. It took us an hour to remove the dash. It took us so long to remove the wiring harness my aunt made us all dinner. Imagine trying to get a bundle of wires out of a big jagged metal tube. Also imagine that the wires are running through and hooking to all sorts of things within the tube. And that the tube is mounted under a table. And you can't cut any of the wires. And you can't see what you are doing. And you have to take a picture of every motherfucking step because if you will not remember the wire orders or what went to what and you will be super fucked. Not even regular fucked. We also labeled every wire too.

Taking a wiring harness out of a vehicle is like trying to take an octopus of a close sided cheese grater with out cutting the octopus.
Of course we still have to get the wiring harness out of our truck, before we can even think about putting the new one in, reassemble the dash, and pray. Oh, and all this has to get done before the it needs to be inspected.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

Pray for us.

Pray for us all.


  1. The farther I got into this story, the more I started to smile because I knew you were going to need the wiring harness, and yes, I do know what it's like to get one out.

    **the smiling part was because I was going to get to hear you describe trying to take it out. Not because you had to.**

    I wish you all the luck in the world. I was once a teenage boy wiring sound systems and extra lights into my truck. I think this project might be one to do over a few days. :)

  2. "silly" rewiring is not just a teenage boy epidemic. Fiance is an engineer and has rewired many things in our home in a Tim Allen fashion. Accompanied by the "ho-oh-oh" kind of dog-like noise that indicates "here, I have fixed this to make it more manly and awesome, but it will likely blow up and take with it the neighborhood and an orphanage within the week."

  3. Holly, your metaphors...just...your metaphors! "An octopus out of a close-sided cheese grater". LOL, for real.

    I feel for you, I really do. Not because I've been there. I haven't. I just love that you can make country-living understandable to the rest of the world.