Monday, February 4, 2013

Things I Have Learned After Watching Star Trek Drunk.

So the other night, we decided to sit down and watch Star Trek the Original Series in honer of my birthday. I also printed out a set of rules we had to follow, such as, 'drink every time a red shirt dies' or 'drink every time Spock says logical' or 'drink every time a system is offline.'

Needless to say I got drunk pretty damn fast.

What really did me in though was that the first episode we watched, the whole damn ship went offline, so it was like going from zero to drunk in about half an hour. Anyway, here are some important observations about Star Trek.

Bones is like, a really crappy doctor. I said it. I'm sorry. Look, I like Bones, and he also will prescribe alcohol to you if you are depressed. Which is great, but he will also kill you space dead if your name isn't Kirk or Spock. No really. I watched one episode where a red shirt got shot, and then he dove to the ground to help him, (which was good) but then all he did was sort of lightly tap the would with his bare (bacteria covered) hand while he cut between paying attention to the DYING MAN and watching Kirk and Spock argue. So less then stellar there.

Also, I am fairly convinced that Scotty is both overworked, underpaid, and also probably having sex with the ship, somehow. Possibly through that dilithium crystal port thing. I feel really bad for him, is what I am saying.

Spock is my new favorite character because he really, really does not give a shit. Which is awesome.

Kirk is, despite acting and looking nothing like the men I normally lust after, oddly attractive. I'm saying that I would totally have sex with Captain Kirk if the opportunity came up. Then I would probably get a space STD. And then I would have to hope that I am like, really relevant to the plot or otherwise Mr. Inconsistent Doctoring Abilities up there wouldn't be any help.

All the fight scenes are the funniest thing I have ever seen in the entire history of cinematography.

Being drunk also makes me, way, way too involved. I found myself yelling shit like “this is creepy” and “no get up Kirk and punch him in the nuts!”

Remember how I totally ragged on the movie TIMELINE for just, you know, shitting all over science? Yeah well, let's just say the episode where they find the planet full of immortal Mongolians that have an EXACT copy of the US Constitution AND an exact copy of an American flag, literally broke my brain. No like, really. Even through my blurry haze of alcohol.

Mini skirts are, apparently, the wave of the future for every female everywhere ever.

Back when I used to own a flip phone, I totally missed my chance to end every conversation with “Holly out” and began every conversation with “Holly to Enterprise.” All those wasted years.

Setting phasers to stun, is like, 99% effective in almost every problem.

I also learned that if you stay up till the middle of the night getting drunk and watching Star Trek you will be really, really hungover the next day. Like my whole body hurts like I have been in a badly choreographed fight scene all night. A fight scene against the booze. So my day consisted of dragging my bloated corpse body around and eating aspirins and swearing never to drink again and feeling like my headache was beating in time to techno music that only I could hear. Which is, now that I think about it, probably exactly what it is like to be Capitan Kirk.

So in conclusion, Star Trek is fucking awesome.

*Holly out.*


  1. I always wondered why they didn't just START with their phasers at stun. Stunning isn't killing, it's buying you time. You are literally able to shoot first and ask questions later. WHO WOULDN'T do that every time.

  2. I think the real lesson here is that alcohol enhances your ability to learn. If only I had known that back in the day!

  3. Are you sure drinking makes Star Trek more fun, and not that Star Trek makes drinking more fun?

  4. Wait, was this also the 'peach schnapps straight from the bottle' night?

  5. Star Trek is effing awesome. Drunk or undrunk. Also. regardless of timelines - New Spock and new Kirk are extremely doable. Also. All the time we have spent arguing gun control is time that could have been used inventing a phaser. See - now suddenly debate is pointless. Just give citizens one with stun only and let the professionals have the killing ones - right? I mean seriously. And it should totally be okay to stun the dumb Target employee who has been working there for 9 months and can't tell you where anything is.