Friday, October 11, 2013

Internet Through The Phone and my PC Hates Change.

So you may recall the part of me getting a new phone was that Scott wanted to move to getting internet through the phone company like this is the future or someshit. So after we got home from the store we took the router and hooked it up and Scott was able to glory in the lighting fast (comparatively) phone router internet setup and my laptop was all like I HAVE FOUND THE PROMISE LAND LET US UPDATE EVERYTHING. However to get the internet on my cranky old desktop PC we would need to install a wireless card.

Cue ominous music.

Turns out my dads cranky old desktop PC had a wireless card in it. A card that Scott removed and out into my PC. Cause there is no way that could ever go wrong. Then he is all like, let me get the disk and then I freak out about the number of dust bunnies in my tower. They had a city. A dust bunny utopia, if you will. So about the point I am going crazy with the vacuum Scott walks back in and announces he couldn't find the disk.

And I'm all like, my dad kept floppy disks from the seventies in his desk and he doesn't have the CD to his wireless card?

An Scott's all like, no. But it's okay, because we can just download the software from the internet.

Which was about like him saying, it's okay, we'll just build another car from parts in the garage.

First off the wireless card sites was about as easy to navigate as a minotaurs maze, and kept telling my brand of wireless card didn't exist even though it totally did. Then when we did the get the right files my PC refused to allow them to be added manually. In the end I had to restart and use the found new hardware wizard to add the files by gently pointing it to the right folder before it could get all judgey with me.

Then we finally got it to the point where the drivers were installed and working only to discover that it couldn't find any networks. Well fuck.

So then we did arcane things and windows told us it was all our fault and it began to get really passive aggressive and it was like, getting kinda late so I was just like, why don't we just get a USB wireless adapter from the Wal-mart tomorrow? And Scott was all like, okay, even though we have to get in a bunch of firewood tomorrow because winter is a thing that happens around these parts.

So then the next morning we awoke and made the great pilgrimage to the cooperate demon that is Wal-mart and bought the motherfucking USB things and drove home. Then Scott was like, I am going out to get things ready for firewood getting and I was all like, cool let me just install this and I'll be right out.

And I by let me just install this I meant a four hour triathlon from hell.

First off, I put the disk in like it says and it gets going and sounds like it's having some sort of CD seizure in there but I don't want to mess with it but no knew dialog boxes are coming up and I'm getting kinda freaked out but I let it go and get a cup of tea.

Upon my return I click through a few things about how they are totally not collecting your information for nefarious purposes but hey they totally are and I don't need a newsletter or a tool bar and no you can't have my email address and then it tells me to plug in the USB and then it can't find the damn thing. So then I tired another port. Then another one. Then a few more. Then I debated the likelihood of all the USB ports on my machine being bad a once.

I decided against it.

Outside I could hear the happy sounds of Scott loading tools into the truck. I shot a hunted look at the clock and opened my laptop and started searching. After a bit of hunting around forums I found that this was a very common problem and there was only one real solution.

I was going to have to delete my third party non widows firewall.

It was the only way.

At that point I calmly walked outside and told Scott this was going to take longer then I thought. He nodded grimly and started up the truck. I was on my own now.

What followed was not just me uninstalling my firewall, guiding the program to the device, spending something like thirty minutes restarting and manually adding networks and clicking and unclicking boxes before at last, at long last I had the wireless network appear on my screen.

And it was slower then shit.

Like turtles with leg injures slow.

What followed was me using the extend cable to move the USB as close to the router as possible before I got something resembling internet. Of course this meant that every point of my failure was marked by a little Velcro square but whatever I am building a house. I looked at clock again, felt a pang and thought I'll just reinstall the firewall before going out.

Which retrospectively was a lie.

For whatever reason, the firewall refused to reinstall. I tried everything. I tried old versions. I tried new versions. I tried running a cleaner to do a clean remove and then restarted and reinstalled. I tried sacrificing my lunch to the great Computer God. I tried swearing a whole shit ton of a lot.

Finally I switched on windows shittastic firewall, went outside and helped Scott stack firewood for the rest of the afternoon. I stacked firewood like each piece had a personal vendetta against me. I stacked firewood like it was a monster dead set against my PC working.

I was kinda pissed off is what I am saying.

So then we get done and I go back inside and I try to download another firewall but the one I wanted the reviews are horrible and then I was like I'll just download Avast because that has a firewall. Only to download the damn thing and find out that there is no firewall on the free version of Avast and then I said whatever motherfucker and then I went to make Scott go hold me and decided I should probably take a shower because wood bits kept falling out of my shirt and pants pockets.

So then I got into the shower and discovered we were out of soap.

In the entire house.

So then I had to throw a towel over myself and walk into the living room dripping all over everything and Scott had to bring me the soap from the kitchen sink. And then I contemplated going to bed right then so my shitty ass day would be over and then I dropped a bowl on my own foot trying to eat ice cream and found a pimple right on the edge of my lip and then I really did just go damn bed.

Some days, man, it's all you can do.

Well, besides eat ice cream.


  1. straight out the carton ice cream is always a good solution. especially when you smell like palmolive.

  2. I want to say I have the up most respect for those people who know how to did into the bowels of a computer and make everything work the way it should. Then I remember, those people are mostly 12 year old kids, and it sort of pisses me off. Hope the next day was better for you. :)