Thursday, October 31, 2013

My Stomach Hates me and a Trip to the Doctor.

So a few days ago my stomach decided it had had enough of this digesting food shit and that it was super pissed at me for demanding that it do something with the food that I eat. Which is for me, sadly normal. Because my stomach is a dick. Which meant I had to go back to the doctor. Since I am one of those people who won't go to the doctor until I feel like death is coming for me in the night, Scott had to hound me until I made the appointment and then I didn't want to go because I had had like four hours of sleep the night before because of work and it was snowing.

I like to experience winter from inside the house.

So I went back to the doctor and we talked about the fact that my stomach is like an narcoleptic serial killer that can only remember to kill me when it's awake and then we talked about the fact that you know, having untreated depression and anxiety problems might be at the root of all this and then she gave me a bunch of prescriptions.

Because pills.

So I get home and flip through all the sheets they give you when you start new medications because I enjoy scaring the the crap out of myself and then I see that one of the pills is twice a day before meals and then I take one and it turns out it's an intestinal antispasmodic which is a fancy way of saying it's a goddamned muscle relaxer. Then we had dinner and then I took a shower and put meds in the cats eyeballs and then I went and sat down at the computer and that's when I realized I was high as fuck.

I mean stop the presses high as fuck.

Like I couldn't read words on my computer high.

Then I started to kinda freak out a little because my arms had no weight and I felt like my torso was sinking through the floor and then I was all like shit man this ain't good. So then I wandered around the house while Scott assured me that this was all totally normal and that I shouldn't worry and that it would get better the longer I was on this med and then I was like I am never taking this again because oh my god my fingers are all weird now. Also I kept rubbing my left arm but not my right arm because I don't even know anymore.

So after a bit the weirdest feelings passed and I kinda felt alright and it seemed to be doing what it was supposed to be doing and then I realized that I felt great and I also did not give a fuck. I am not sure why muscle relaxer has this effect on me but it does. And that effect was that I was all out of fucks to give times a thousand.

Like the house could have caught on fire and collapsed around me and I would have stood amid the burning wreckage giving it the finger with both hands kind of not giving a fuck.

Of course I felt great. I felt fantastic. My stomach felt great and I felt a great lassitude and captions of cat pictures on the internet were suddenly the funniest thing ever. Then I went to bed and it was so soft and comfortable like I was laying on a big cloud that smelled like dog and then I shut my eyes and when I woke up and felt like I was wrapped in fuzz and I can't remember a damn thing for more then 20 seconds and I haven't even taken anymore of it and it's taken me two tries to write this blog entry.

Because prescription drugs are the best drugs.

Today however I decided to take the next drug she put me on and now I am dizzy and lightheaded and feel weird again and typing is like magic because words are appearing on the screen as I think them because fingers are the best and hand eye coordination is the best and have you ever thought about how weird that is?

Like how typing is all... neat?

I mean like have you?

Like really?

This is all like, whoa.

I need to stop typing now.