Monday, March 12, 2012

How To Denail a Board

How to denail a board in ten easy steps.

Materials Needed.
2 hammers
1 crowbar
A bunch of lumber that hates your guts has lots of nails in it.

Step 1.
Place board between 2 sawhorses. If you do not have 2 sawhorses, place board on a upside down 5 gallon bucket and the giant stack of boards you have yet to denail. If you use the second method your lumber will be at knee height.

Step 2.
Flip board over so that the pointy nail ends are aiming up toward you.

Step 3.
Using your hammer, try to pound the nails until they are flush with the surface of the board. At this point the nails will go as limp as a straight mans cock at a pride parade and smush over on themselves. Using the claw of the hammer, try to straighten the nails. Repeat until over half the nails have broken off into unusable stumps.

Step 4.
Once you have pounded the nails through, flip the board over again so that the heads of the nails are now visible. Using the claw of the hammer, or the crow bar, attempt to remove the nails using a series of short jerking motions. None of the nails will come loose. Proceed to step 5.

Step 5.
Use the trick where you use the head of the hammer as a fulcrum for the crowbar. The crowbar will slide off and cut you.

Step 6.
Apply band aids to bleeding areas.

Step 7.
Get really angry. Get plumb mad dog Clint Eastwood angry. Manage to remove a few nails. At this point you should consider taking the pain killers.

Step 8.
You will need to curse at the remaining nails like you have never cursed at anything before. 'Son of a bitch' ain't gonna cut it. You need to call these nails 'Son's of a whore cunt' or maybe 'bastard shit fucking motherfuckers' Really get creative with it.
Step 9.
Do the last trick in your arsenal use the hammer to pound the end of the crow bar until the nail pops out. Immediately loose nail on the ground. You will hurt your hand in the process. Take more painkillers.

Step 10.
Repeat steps 5-9 until almost all of the nails are removed*. Become depressed over how many more boards you have to get through. Place board in the I-will-get-back-to-this-later-pile. Restart process again from step one.

And there you go! Remember not to get depressed and start drinking early in the day. It's hard to aim a hammer when you are drunk. Really hard.

Trust me on this one.

* Don't take anymore painkillers though. That would be bad.


  1. Ha! I was in such a bad mood and not commenting on any of the posts I've read this evening - but you've really cheered me up. Well, maybe not cheered me up - but I savoured the curses in this post and just wish you had put in a few more. It was wonderful to read them and feel them reverberating through my mind!

    Of course, do hope you're not in too much pain - what if you just burn the wood so that you can have the nails? lol... not the point, I know, but it's a thought... and in my present state of mind would be oh so satisfying!

    1. Thanks! I'm happy this horrible stupid process made somebody laugh. I think I'd rather move rocks all day then denail boards. Ugh.

  2. "plumb mad dog Clint Eastwood angry" - best descriptive phrase for "anger" EVER!

    ...although you are smart not to drink before (or during) this, I hope you had a tall cool one afterward!

  3. You've just described every DIY project I've ever attempted.