Monday, May 21, 2012

You Have Won this Round Google.

So a few of may have noticed that my blog was down a little while ago. Why? Because Google is a dick.

First off, when I first started fiddling around with Blogger, everything was going fine. It was a beautiful honeymoon. That is until Google showed up to the party. Google was constantly barging in on our beautiful relationship demanding that I integrate every account ever with them like a drunk alcoholic roommate. Presumably so they could own my entire Internet experience.

I had already completely given up my Youtube account because of this shit.


Because I don't need the rest of my Internet experience to know that I like to watch fat people falling off Segways. I want the internet to remain anonymous. All that terrible, terrible horror that comes with it. And Google is not letting me.

So you can imagine my surprise when my blog disappeared.

After the initial WTFsweetjesusholymotherofhellmotherfuckers. I went to Bloggers help page. Which was not very helpful. It told me to log into my account and make sure I didn't accidentally delete my own blog. I think that it something I would remember doing, but, okay. Also, if the blog is gone, how can I log into it? Okay.

So I go to pull up my blog account when I am treated to a message saying that suspicious things have been happening to my account.


Look, unless the dog had learned to type, the only suspicious things to have happened to my account is that I have been logging in at like 4am. Oh wait, what's this? The only way to fix it, the only was to unsuspicious my account is to give them my phone number.

Except they don't know my phone number, so if I was trying to break into this account, I could use any phone number, anywhere and Google would never know the difference.

Security my ass.

It wasn't like they wanted to send my an email, LIKE EVERY OTHER MOTHERFUCKING SECURITY PAGE IN THE WORLD. Oh no. Challenge questions? Nope. Facebook has better security then this. Facebook.

And there was no way around it. There was no other option. I had to give Google my phone number if I ever wanted to see my blog again.

So I did it.

And now I am getting texts about winning a free ipod.

I swear to god Google, I am going to punch you in your stupid fucking face.

You asshole motherfucker.


  1. Ugh, I'm not intentionally adding people to my circles but I have a feeling it's happening anyway. What happened to the follow button at the top of a blog page? I don't have it any more and now have to use the google "Join this site" button above followers - and I'm not sure, but it looks like it connects me through google+ which I don't even want in the first place (take a breath).

    The other annoying thing is that you can't open a gmail account without providing a phone number - unless you select America as your location. Well, it's not so annoying now that I've figured that out - but it's a real pain for people other than Americans to use.

    I shall stop here ;-)

    1. Google wants us all to be part of their great Googledom.

  2. Your site went down right at the time I tagged your post and I'm freaking out a little bit thinking, OH MY GOD! I KILLED HOLLY'S BLOG!
    When I first started following people, I used the follow button then discovered if I wanted to see their updates I had to do a different step which put me on those following lists twice on some pages. Now I can't seem to get my redundant face off those pages, whenever I see it, I feel like such a dufus! Damn google!

    1. Ha ha, lol, 'killed Holly's blog'. No, Google was crafty about it's timing. Oh my God, you guys, YOU GUYS! Google is the new Skynet!

  3. I too was a little freaked out because I came looking at Ken's recommendation and I was all "MAN! She must be super shy if she doesn't want us all clamoring to visit her!" And then I wasn't online forever (at least two days! OMG I almost cried!) and when came back, PHEW! There you were and now I can see the awesomeness of which Ken spoke.

    Also, I hate Google too not because they screwed my blog, but because they have slides and shit in their corporate headquarters which makes it seem like it would be a fun place to work, but I think the managers never give the workers slide breaks because it would undermine their productivity and make their quest for world domination take longer.

    1. I kinda wonder about that. Do you think they just like, I dunno, Photoshopped the slides in? Like that's what they want us to think the workspace looks like, but in reality they work in a hollowed out volcano shaped like a skull or something.

  4. yeah, this is pretty much why I moved to wordpress. although its not all peaches and cream over there, but I don't like peaches anyway.
    I recently signed onto the stupidest thing in the world called Google +. I resisted for so so so long, but then I learned that you can multi video chat for free and my family is far away.
    Of course now every goddamn internet page i go to has a little plus sign at the top of it. its little and stupid, but damn if it doesn't annoy the crap out of me.

  5. I have my blog tied to a non-google email address, so it was never a problem. Then I got my smart phone.

    hint: Androids are powered by google.

    So I automatically had to set up a gmail account.

    Although I'm sorry it was such a pain for you, I love your rants, so I'm a little sorry that I get joy out of your ranting about your google problems, too!